Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
– Jerry Seinfeld

The best revenge is living well.
– Jerry Seinfeld

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out”.
– Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
– Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
– Jerry Seinfeld

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
– Jerry Seinfeld

What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
– Jerry Seinfeld

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
– Jerry Seinfeld

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.
– Jerry Seinfeld

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
– Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
– Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
– Jerry Seinfeld

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
– Jerry Seinfeld

Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
– Jerry Seinfeld

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