Rita Rudner Quotes

American comedian

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
– Rita Rudner

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A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
– Rita Rudner

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I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner

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I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
– Rita Rudner

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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
– Rita Rudner

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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner

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To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
– Rita Rudner

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Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
– Rita Rudner

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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
– Rita Rudner

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When I meet a man I ask myself, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
– Rita Rudner

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When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
– Rita Rudner

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I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
– Rita Rudner

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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
– Rita Rudner

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Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
– Rita Rudner

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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
– Rita Rudner

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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

– Rita Rudner

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Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
– Rita Rudner

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