Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
– Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
– Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
– Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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