Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 2

American stand-up comedian

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

– Rodney Dangerfield

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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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What a doctor I’ve got-he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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