Quotes by Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before.
– Steven Wright

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
– Steven Wright

What is the speed of dark?
– Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
– Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
– Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
– Steven Wright

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
– Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
– Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
– Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

– Steven Wright

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