I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. – Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? – Steven Wright
What is the speed of dark? – Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. – Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere. – Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
– Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’ – Steven Wright
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