Quotes by Woody Allen

1

To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
– Woody Allen

2

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
– Woody Allen

4

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
– Woody Allen

Quote: If only God would give me some...

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3

As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
– Woody Allen

3

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
– Woody Allen

1

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen

0

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
– Woody Allen

4

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
– Woody Allen

1

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
– Woody Allen

0

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen

5

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
– Woody Allen

1

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
– Woody Allen

5

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
– Woody Allen

5

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen

2

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen

7

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen

0

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
– Woody Allen

2

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
– Woody Allen

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4

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
– Woody Allen

0

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen

0

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen

0

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen

4

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen

1

People don’t notice whether it’s winter or summer when they’re happy.
– Anton Chekhov

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