Quotes by Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
- Woody Allen
As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
- Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
- Woody Allen
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen