Quotes by Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
– Woody Allen

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
– Woody Allen

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
– Woody Allen

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
– Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is naps.
– Woody Allen

People don’t notice whether it’s winter or summer when they’re happy.
– Anton Chekhov

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