Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.”

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.

A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.