Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?
Garrison Keillor

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
Helen Rowland

Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.
Helen Rowland

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising
Edgar Watson Howe

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
Rodney Dangerfield

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