Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

A sense of humor is great – it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Chris Rock

If he’s getting married, he’s not longer interesting.
Colette

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
Chris Rock

Bride, n. – A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Ambrose Bierce

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Marriage is a workshop…where husband works & wife shops.

In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, we wears. I shop, he pays!

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