Sarcastic Quotes, Sarcasm Sayings
Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
Sarcasm (because punching people in the face is illegal) <3.
I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
There is a fine line between fashion and circus. So where’s the tent?
The only thing to fear is fear itself and what 9 out of 10 doctors would prescribe.
Mom: Have you picked out what you’re wearing to school tomorrow?
Mom: What is it?
Person 1: Are you watching TV on the couch?
Person 2: No, I’m sitting on the TV and watching the couch.
I am not bad. I am just dangerously awful.
Instant idiot, just add alcohol!
You’d make the perfect blueprints to build an idiot!
Have you heard about the discount for deodorant from Nivea?
No sh*t Sherlock!
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Man, I sure do hate a bag of air with chips in it.
Person 1: What do you think we should make for dinner?
Person 2: Food.
Person 1: Did you fall?
Person 2: No, a bunch a kids wanted to play ping pong with my a**.
Sorry, my fist meant to caress your face.
You: Go to hell.
Me: I go on vacations there.
I became so religious so that I could pray for you to burn in hell.
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
How very observant of you there captain obvious.
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
A guy asks “Do you think I’m straight?”
My response: You’re as straight as a circle.
3 A. M. Phone call
– Hey are you asleep?
– No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!