Short Funny Quotes

42

What the heck does the “Z” in “LOLZ” mean…”Laugh Out Loud…Zebras?”

27

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

30

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

19

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

11

My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor
16

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor
39

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin

Funny Quote: That’s why they call it the American...

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9

Poor : When you have too much month at the end of your money.

Funny Quote: Poor : When you have too much...

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12

Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

Funny Quote: Laughter is the best medicine but if...

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16

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

Funny Quote: We live in the era of smart...

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10

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
– Leo J. Burke

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15

I’m not dumb, I just think less to avoid all the headaches.

Submitted by: Shaneel Anand
16

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

Funny Quote: I hate when you offer someone a...

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23

Your age doesn’t lie. Neither does that face.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
29

Animals need to eat. But so do we.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
21

Monday again?
Seriously though, I cannot keep doing this every week!

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24

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

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18

The pen may be mightier than the sword…but no one in braveheart carried one.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
23

Hitch your wagon to a star…but not a supernova.
– M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: Hitch your wagon to a star…but not...

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
18

The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.
– M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: The early bird gets the word. The...

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
17

A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.
– M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: A good man is hard to find....

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
28

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

Funny Quote: If the stuff that comes out of...

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21

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, damn you’re good.

Submitted by: shabalaba
20

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
13

Bungee jumping is suicide with strings attached!

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire

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