Short Funny Quotes

83

When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

79

When someone says everything happens for a reason, I’d like to smack them and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

78

My mother texted me “What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
I answered: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later”
Mother: “OK, I’ll ask your sister”

86

I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.

84

I just wanna be rich enough to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.

76

After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.

74

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

11

I love it when I buy a bag of air & the company is nice enough to put some chips in.

7

I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

107

Don’t do drugs kids. There’s a time and place for everything. It’s called college.

7

If my room is clean, it means that my internet is not working.

89

Dear life, when I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

18

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = pregnancy

8

When I get bored, I look through my entire phone to see if there are any cool options I missed.

27

When I drink alcohol…everyone says I’m alcoholic but When I drink Fanta…no one says I’m fantastic.

19

My sex life is like a Ferrari…I don’t have a Ferrari.

22

The dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.

39

Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.

23

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the easily offended deserve to be easily offended.

21

There’s no vaccine against stupid.

6

Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self control needed.

102

What the heck does the “Z” in “LOLZ” mean…”Laugh Out Loud…Zebras?”

71

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

74

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

39

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield


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