Short Funny Quotes

23

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- George Carlin

Funny Quote: That’s why they call it the American...

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2

Poor : When you have too much month at the end of your money.

Funny Quote: Poor : When you have too much...

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3

Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

Funny Quote: Laughter is the best medicine but if...

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5

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

Funny Quote: We live in the era of smart...

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3

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
- Leo J. Burke

Funny Quote: People who say they sleep like a...

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9

I’m not dumb, I just think less to avoid all the headaches.

Submitted by: Shaneel Anand
5

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

Funny Quote: I hate when you offer someone a...

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12

Your age doesn’t lie. Neither does that face.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
14

Animals need to eat. But so do we.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
12

Monday again?
Seriously though, I cannot keep doing this every week!

Funny Quote: Monday again? Seriously though, I cannot keep...

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7

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

Funny Quote: Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does...

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11

The pen may be mightier than the sword…but no one in braveheart carried one.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
17

Hitch your wagon to a star…but not a supernova.
- M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: Hitch your wagon to a star…but not...

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
11

The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.
- M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: The early bird gets the word. The...

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
12

A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.
- M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: A good man is hard to find....

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
14

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

Funny Quote: If the stuff that comes out of...

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15

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, damn you’re good.

Submitted by: shabalaba
11

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
9

Bungee jumping is suicide with strings attached!

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
10

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

Funny Quote: All my life I thought air was...

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Submitted by: Jessy
9

Where’s my chips?

Funny Quote: Where’s my chips?

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Submitted by: Jessy
20

Relationship Status:
() Single
() In a relationship
() Married
() Engaged
() Divorced
(x) Waiting for a miracle

Funny Quote: Relationship Status: () Single () In a...

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13

I’m still waiting for that day…

Funny Quote: I’m still waiting for that day…

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13

For all people who make me laugh : Thank you.

16

Why do people try park as close as the can to the entrance when they go to the gym to work out?

Submitted by: TheAwesome1

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