Short Funny Quotes

2

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Rodney Dangerfield

1

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
- Rodney Dangerfield

0

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
- Rodney Dangerfield

1

My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor
1

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor
26

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- George Carlin

Funny Quote: That’s why they call it the American...

Embed Code
2

Poor : When you have too much month at the end of your money.

Funny Quote: Poor : When you have too much...

Embed Code
4

Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

Funny Quote: Laughter is the best medicine but if...

Embed Code
7

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

Funny Quote: We live in the era of smart...

Embed Code
3

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
- Leo J. Burke

Funny Quote: People who say they sleep like a...

Embed Code
10

I’m not dumb, I just think less to avoid all the headaches.

Submitted by: Shaneel Anand
5

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

Funny Quote: I hate when you offer someone a...

Embed Code
13

Your age doesn’t lie. Neither does that face.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
14

Animals need to eat. But so do we.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
13

Monday again?
Seriously though, I cannot keep doing this every week!

Funny Quote: Monday again? Seriously though, I cannot keep...

Embed Code
10

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

Funny Quote: Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does...

Embed Code
11

The pen may be mightier than the sword…but no one in braveheart carried one.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
17

Hitch your wagon to a star…but not a supernova.
- M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: Hitch your wagon to a star…but not...

Embed Code
Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
11

The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.
- M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: The early bird gets the word. The...

Embed Code
Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
13

A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.
- M.J. McGuire

Funny Quote: A good man is hard to find....

Embed Code
Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
14

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

Funny Quote: If the stuff that comes out of...

Embed Code
16

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, damn you’re good.

Submitted by: shabalaba
11

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
9

Bungee jumping is suicide with strings attached!

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
10

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

Funny Quote: All my life I thought air was...

Embed Code
Submitted by: Jessy

Copyright © 2006-2014 Coolnsmart.com - All rights reserved.

Like us!