Short Funny Quotes


My mother texted me “What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
I answered: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later”
Mother: “OK, I’ll ask your sister”


I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.


I just wanna be rich enough to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.


After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.


A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.


I love it when I buy a bag of air & the company is nice enough to put some chips in.


I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.


Don’t do drugs kids. There’s a time and place for everything. It’s called college.


If my room is clean, it means that my internet is not working.


Dear life, when I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.


Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = pregnancy


When I get bored, I look through my entire phone to see if there are any cool options I missed.


When I drink alcohol…everyone says I’m alcoholic but When I drink Fanta…no one says I’m fantastic.


My sex life is like a Ferrari…I don’t have a Ferrari.


The dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.


Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the easily offended deserve to be easily offended.


There’s no vaccine against stupid.


Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self control needed.


What the heck does the “Z” in “LOLZ” mean…”Laugh Out Loud…Zebras?”


I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield


Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
– Rodney Dangerfield


I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield


My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor

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