Short Funny Quotes

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Ashleigh Brilliant

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce

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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Ambrose Bierce

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When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

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When someone says everything happens for a reason, I’d like to smack them and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

My mother texted me “What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
I answered: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later”
Mother: “OK, I’ll ask your sister”

I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.

I just wanna be rich enough to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.

After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

I love it when I buy a bag of air & the company is nice enough to put some chips in.

I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

Don’t do drugs kids. There’s a time and place for everything. It’s called college.

If my room is clean, it means that my internet is not working.

Dear life, when I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = pregnancy

When I get bored, I look through my entire phone to see if there are any cool options I missed.

When I drink alcohol…everyone says I’m alcoholic but When I drink Fanta…no one says I’m fantastic.

My sex life is like a Ferrari…I don’t have a Ferrari.

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The dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.

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Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the easily offended deserve to be easily offended.

There’s no vaccine against stupid.

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Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self control needed.

What the heck does the “Z” in “LOLZ” mean…”Laugh Out Loud…Zebras?”

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