Short Funny Quotes
The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey.
-William Faulkner
War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.
- William Faulkner
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.
- Charles de Gaulle
The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.
- Charles de Gaulle
How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
- Charles de Gaulle
There’s a price you pay for chewing your mouth so fast, you tongue is at risk!
The time to begin most things is ten years ago.
- Mignon McLaughlin
Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Boss: Why?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.
The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.
- Steve Martin
All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.
- Gordon B. Hinckley
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?
There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.
A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.
Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
~Nora Ephron