Short Funny Quotes

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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry

Beauty tips. How to look younger: Don’t be born so soon.
Charles M. Schulz

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

Funny Quote: The surest sign that intelligent life exists...

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It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.
Bill Watterson

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Ashleigh Brilliant

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Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce

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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Ambrose Bierce

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You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

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When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Funny Quote: When ever I get a headache I...

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When someone says everything happens for a reason, I’d like to smack them and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

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My mother texted me “What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
I answered: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later”
Mother: “OK, I’ll ask your sister”

I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.

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I just wanna be rich enough to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.

After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.

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A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

I love it when I buy a bag of air & the company is nice enough to put some chips in.

I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

Don’t do drugs kids. There’s a time and place for everything. It’s called college.

If my room is clean, it means that my internet is not working.

Dear life, when I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = pregnancy

Funny Quote: Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance...

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When I get bored, I look through my entire phone to see if there are any cool options I missed.


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