Short Funny Quotes

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It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here”.
Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Jerry Seinfeld

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Jerry Seinfeld

I have always wanted to be a leading church choir singer. But that’s until I had all people in the church down in tears laughing. I’m so done with that.

Submitted by: Tebogo

If you pull enough strings, you’ll end up pulling ropes.

Submitted by: John Bennett Hartnett

Welcome to the 21st century, where people can laugh-out-loud without opening their mouth! #lol

Submitted by: Bx Lawrence

I want to have fun, but I don’t quite know how.
Malala Yousafzai

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