Short Funny Quotes
The only bad thing about drinking and driving is the trees defend themselves really well.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I.
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
CUDDLE BUDDY NEEDED: Flexible hours. Minimum 2 nights a week. Must have great cuddling & massage skills. Conversation skills not necessary
Technically you could live without food for the rest of your life.
You might be a firefighter if the microwave goes off and you run out of the house thinking it was your pager.
You might be a fireman if you’ve ever said, “she’s hot tonight” and not been talking about a girl.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
– Steven Wright
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
And, sure, fine, I do check my phone about every two minutes, but so do a lot of people, and it’s better than smoking, that’s what I say. It’s the new, lung-safe cigarette.
– Aimee Bender
You know, a cell phone’s like a guy; if you don’t plug him in every night, charge him good, you got nothing at all.
– Catherine Coulter
When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment, now that I’m a mom I think nap time is a vacation.
My kid is napping. If you wake ’em, you take ’em.
I feel like I should clean the house so I’m going to take a nap until that feeling passes.
Traverse: One of two ways to stop while skiing. Tree: The other method.
You can ski on zis side of ze mountain, or on zat side of ze mountain, but not in ze middle
I’m so sad it’s Friday. I wish it was Monday already’ said No one in history, ever.
I know every day is a gift, but where’s the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.
It’s Friday! I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Ahhh Friday…my second favorite F word!