Short Funny Quotes

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I tried coke once. The bubbles burned my nose and I almost drowned.

Submitted by: tmvic

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
Steve Martin

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
Chris Rock

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself.
Chris Rock

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

Rule #1 during arguments: If you’re losing, start correcting their grammar.

When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I’m single again.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
Dave Barry

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