Short Funny Quotes

220

Never steal. The government hates competition.
Funny Quote: Never steal. The government hates competition.

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Submitted by: ashley
88

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Steven Wright

Submitted by: Jinny
317

Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs. :)

Submitted by: Scholtzy
47

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

Submitted by: subhadeep samantaray
91

I dream of a better tomorrow…
where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Submitted by: **THD Rulez**
146

Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.

Submitted by: I
402

You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!!

Funny Quote: You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I...

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Submitted by: 'Becca
228

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Submitted by: Dylan
158

Smile…It confuses peple..!!

Funny Quote: Smile…It confuses peple..!!

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Submitted by: Pankil
15

It takes patience to listen.. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

Submitted by: marcus lomax
235

Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.

Funny Quote: Everybody wishes they could go to heaven...

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Submitted by: Wise man
91

When nothing goes right, Go left.

Submitted by: marie
169

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.

Funny Quote: An apple a day keeps the doctor...

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Submitted by: sammie
5

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

7

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

114

I wish my book of life was written in pencil … There are a few pages I would like to erase.

Submitted by: Susan
13

If you have something to say, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

Submitted by: Aniqa
13

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

29

Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do?
Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

Submitted by: Cupcake
300

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Funny Quote: This dog, is dog, a dog, good...

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Submitted by: amal
159

All guys hate the words DON’T and STOP unless they’re put together.

Funny Quote: All guys hate the words DON’T and...

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Submitted by: dominic
118

If common sense is so common why is there so many people with out it??

Submitted by: Steven
128

Why do stores that are open 24/7 have locks on their doors?

Submitted by: win_ringette
311

Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience

Submitted by: katrina
250

DON’T HIT KIDS!!!
No, seriously, they have guns now.

Funny Quote: DON’T HIT KIDS!!! No, seriously, they have...

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Submitted by: I

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