Short Funny Quotes


Never steal. The government hates competition.
Funny Quote: Never steal. The government hates competition.

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Submitted by: ashley

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Steven Wright

Submitted by: Jinny

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

Submitted by: subhadeep samantaray

Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs. :)

Submitted by: Scholtzy

I dream of a better tomorrow…
where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Submitted by: **THD Rulez**

Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.

Submitted by: I

You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!!

Funny Quote: You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I...

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Submitted by: 'Becca

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Submitted by: Dylan

Smile…It confuses peple..!!

Funny Quote: Smile…It confuses peple..!!

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Submitted by: Pankil

It takes patience to listen.. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

Submitted by: marcus lomax

Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.

Funny Quote: Everybody wishes they could go to heaven...

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Submitted by: Wise man

When nothing goes right, Go left.

Submitted by: marie

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin


An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.

Funny Quote: An apple a day keeps the doctor...

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Submitted by: sammie

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin


I wish my book of life was written in pencil … There are a few pages I would like to erase.

Submitted by: Susan

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin


Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do?
Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

Submitted by: Cupcake

If you have something to say, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

Submitted by: Aniqa

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Funny Quote: This dog, is dog, a dog, good...

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Submitted by: amal

All guys hate the words DON’T and STOP unless they’re put together.

Funny Quote: All guys hate the words DON’T and...

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Submitted by: dominic

If common sense is so common why is there so many people with out it??

Submitted by: Steven

Why do stores that are open 24/7 have locks on their doors?

Submitted by: win_ringette

Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience

Submitted by: katrina

Teacher : If your friend wants to borrow $5 and you gave him $10. How much will you get in return?
Student : Nothing!
Teacher : You don’t know Maths.
Student : You don’t know my friend.

Submitted by: sweety

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