Short Funny Quotes - Page 10

1

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright

2

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Steven Wright

3

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright

10

Did you sleep well?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.
- Steven Wright

2

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- Steven Wright

3

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
- Steven Wright

0

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- Steven Wright

6

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright

0

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

3

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
- Steve Martin

4

Go to bed in your fireplace, you’ll sleep like a log.
- Ellen Degeneres

2

Just go up to somebody on the street and say, “You’re it!” and just run away.
- Ellen Degeneres

2

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before.
- Steven Wright

1

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
- Steve Martin

3

We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
- Steve Martin

5

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
- Steve Martin

3

Here are some more!

I wish the dollar store sold gas.

I don’t want to brag, or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!

If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it, it will never change. And if the parade gets boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast- forward the parade.

I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different.

This one my friend told me. Her brother and his friends come up with pick- up lines all day. Here is one of them.

I am going to take a hot shower. It’s like a cold shower, but with me in it.

I lost the entire left side of my body. I’m alright now.

I love it when you walk through a spider- web, you all of the sudden learn kung- fu.

A man came to the door and asked if I would donate to the local swimming pool. So I have him a glass of water.

Help me! I’m choking on an ice cube!. Never mind, I’m good.

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
3

Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit by the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall, and fell out the window.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head. With a hammer.

Congratulations! You made it through my spring cleaning of Facebook friends!

S. C. H. O. O. L. Seven crap hours of our lives

Before. B- e- f- o- r- e not b4. We speak English not bingo!.

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer girl
0

A waffle is like a pancake, with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
0

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
3

The closest I’ve come to murder is holding my Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
4

My favorite text message “I will be there in 5 minutes, if not read again”.

Submitted by: Loshani Sigwadi
0

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Bob Hope

4

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
- W.C. Fields

4

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son- of- a b*tch, I forget it.
- W.C. Fields


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