Short Funny Quotes - Page 11

Apart From That, Mrs. Lincoln – How Did You Like The Play?

Submitted by: eee

Oh no she didn’t
Sweetie I think she just did.

Submitted by: isis smith

Old is always fifteen years from now.
Bill Cosby

Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.
Bill Cosby

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bill Cosby

Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.”

Submitted by: Nathan

I walked into the bank today. Next time I will look where I am going.

Submitted by: Neil Smith

Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry. If it ain’t broken, fix it til it is.

Submitted by: Johnson girl

They say you can’t have your bread buttered on both sides, I say, you can, but you might get your hands dirty in the process.

Submitted by: Butter Theory

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relatives.
Oscar Wilde
Funny Quote: After a good dinner one can forgive...

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Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
– Orson Welles
Funny Quote: Ask not what you can do for...

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What is the speed of dark?
Steven Wright

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright

Funny Quote: If warm air rises, Heaven could be...

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

Did you sleep well?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright

Funny Quote: Did you sleep well? No, I made...

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin


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