Short Funny Quotes - Page 11

5

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bill Cosby

2

Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.”

Submitted by: Nathan
9

I walked into the bank today. Next time I will look where I am going.

Submitted by: Neil Smith
6

Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry. If it ain’t broken, fix it til it is.

Submitted by: Johnson girl
3

They say you can’t have your bread buttered on both sides, I say, you can, but you might get your hands dirty in the process.

Submitted by: Butter Theory
5

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relatives.
Oscar Wilde
Funny Quote: After a good dinner one can forgive...

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6

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
– Orson Welles
Funny Quote: Ask not what you can do for...

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2

What is the speed of dark?
Steven Wright

8

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright

3

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven Wright

3

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright

2

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

2

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright

4

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

29

Did you sleep well?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright

2

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright

5

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

4

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright

7

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

0

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

3

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin

5

Go to bed in your fireplace, you’ll sleep like a log.
– Ellen Degeneres

6

Just go up to somebody on the street and say, “You’re it!” and just run away.
– Ellen Degeneres

2

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright

2

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin


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