Short Funny Quotes - Page 11

4

Go to bed in your fireplace, you’ll sleep like a log.
– Ellen Degeneres

5

Just go up to somebody on the street and say, “You’re it!” and just run away.
– Ellen Degeneres

2

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright

1

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin

4

We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
Steve Martin

5

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Steve Martin

3

Here are some more!

I wish the dollar store sold gas.

I don’t want to brag, or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!

If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it, it will never change. And if the parade gets boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast- forward the parade.

I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different.

This one my friend told me. Her brother and his friends come up with pick- up lines all day. Here is one of them.

I am going to take a hot shower. It’s like a cold shower, but with me in it.

I lost the entire left side of my body. I’m alright now.

I love it when you walk through a spider- web, you all of the sudden learn kung- fu.

A man came to the door and asked if I would donate to the local swimming pool. So I have him a glass of water.

Help me! I’m choking on an ice cube!. Never mind, I’m good.

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
3

Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit by the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall, and fell out the window.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head. With a hammer.

Congratulations! You made it through my spring cleaning of Facebook friends!

S. C. H. O. O. L. Seven crap hours of our lives

Before. B- e- f- o- r- e not b4. We speak English not bingo!.

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer girl
0

A waffle is like a pancake, with a syrup trap.
– Mitch Hedberg

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
0

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
5

The closest I’ve come to murder is holding my Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
11

My favorite text message “I will be there in 5 minutes, if not read again”.

Submitted by: Loshani Sigwadi
0

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope

5

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W.C. Fields

6

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son- of- a b*tch, I forget it.
W.C. Fields

12

It has come to my attention, that air pollution is polluting the air!
George W. Bush

6

I don’t care what the polls say. I don’t. I’m doing what I think what’s wrong.
George W. Bush

12

I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.
– George Bush

5

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before.
George W. Bush

6

One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.
George W. Bush

4

There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.
George W. Bush

2

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty- four.
Mark Twain

12

I wish I had a famous persons last name so I could tell people I’m related to him/her.

Submitted by: Ava Daley
4

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
– Charles M. Schulz

3

Reality continues to ruin my life.
– Bill Watterson


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