Short Funny Quotes
Just because I have ADHD does not mean I can’t pay attent…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
– George Carlin
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.
Feed the hunger or else the hunger will eat you…
I’m not insecure… I just don’t care.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.
Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Losers are those who have fun winners are those who try hard
I had superpowers until my therapist took them away!
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.
When Life Gives You Lemons… Throw Them Back And Demand Chocolate.
I Totally Just Made That Up 8 ]
You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”?
I just go to my friend’s house and try it.
A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny?
Me: yeah, every time I look at you.
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
– Bill Maher
Some call it stalking I call it love.
Why do I end up liking the guy I can only think of.
I was uncool before being uncool was cool!
Get like you? naw Get like me.
I called your boyfriend g*y…and then he hit me with his purse.
When I said “I’d hit that” I meant with my car.
Go buy yourself a life on e- bay.
Few women admit their ages a few men act theirs.
If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys!!!
Steal money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back!
Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I talk to myself because I only talk to people of a higher class.
Diplomacy is telling someone to “Go to Hell” in such a way, that they look forward to taking the trip.
I just wanna be rich enough to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
I hate People who are taking drugs,
Especially Police and Customs Officers
Why don’t you ever see Cupid with a girlfriend?