May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin
Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!
Omg I’ve just been drinking wet cement and now I’m completely stoned
It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
How to make an idiot wait????????? I will tell you later…..
When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
I know the secret of life. But I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.
People always tell you to never say never so just say I cant.
My parents told me “You watch too much TV and should try reading more!” So I turned on the subtitles.
He: You know.. When you weren’t here, I cried a lot. She: Awww! How sweet! He: Yes but those were tears of happiness! He: Do you know why only 10 percent of women goes to heaven? She: Why? He: Cause if they all went , it would be called hell! He: Hi! She: Hi. He: Have I seen you somewhere? She: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
I’m not fat. My stomach is just in 3D.
Many people bring joy in my household, some by coming, others by going…
Yesterday I ran into my ex. Then I pulled into reverse and ran over him again.
The dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.
After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.
Dude! You’re scaring me…Stop Smiling
Drive it like you stole it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most popular things to do in an emergency… 60% Update Facebook Status 15% Record a Video, then upload it on YouTube 15% Update Twitter Status 10% Call Emergency Services
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