I’m not shy, I’m just really good at figuring out who’s worth talking to.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
I really hate cigarettes. Whenever I see one, I lit it up.
I am in shape…Round is a shape.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin
Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!
It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Omg I’ve just been drinking wet cement and now I’m completely stoned
How to make an idiot wait????????? I will tell you later…..
When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
People always tell you to never say never so just say I cant.
He: You know.. When you weren’t here, I cried a lot. She: Awww! How sweet! He: Yes but those were tears of happiness! He: Do you know why only 10 percent of women goes to heaven? She: Why? He: Cause if they all went , it would be called hell! He: Hi! She: Hi. He: Have I seen you somewhere? She: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
If you expect the unexpcted, then isn’t the unexpected the expected?!
Many people bring joy in my household, some by coming, others by going…
Yesterday I ran into my ex. Then I pulled into reverse and ran over him again.
The dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.
After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.
I don’t drive FAST, I FLY SloWLy.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
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