Short Funny Quotes
Some people are wise, some are otherwise.
Strength can only give you power, but hope can give you success.
After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.
Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.
I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
Yesterday I ran into my ex.
Then I pulled into reverse and ran over him again.
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
– Winston Churchill
I don’t drive FAST, I FLY SloWLy.
Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!
Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.
Just because I have ADHD does not mean I can’t pay attent…
Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
– George Carlin
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.
Feed the hunger or else the hunger will eat you…
I’m not insecure… I just don’t care.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.
A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny?
Me: yeah, every time I look at you.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.