Short Funny Quotes - Page 15

3

I feel like a pelican, no matter which way I turn, there is always a huge bill in front of my face.
When you get a deep cut, you get worried when you start bleeding. I would be more worried if it didn’t start to bleed actually.
A treehouse doesn’t have a kitchen, a bedroom, a hallway, a bathroom, a porch, doors, or even a chimney, so please. Just call it a tree box.

Submitted by: ME
3

When curiosity sees a bright red button that says “Don’t push”, it only reads the second word.

Submitted by: ME
6

If Mickey is a mouse, Minnie is a mouse, Donald is a duck, goofy is a dog, then what the heck is going on with Pluto? Is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped guy as a pet?

Submitted by: edward
4

What did the stop light say to the car?
Don’t look I’m changing.

Submitted by: happy child
4

Some say the glass is half empty, some say half full, while they are arguing, I get a refill.

Submitted by: happy child
10

When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade, plant a freaking tree.
Sometimes I just stop and think, “Where the hell am I?”

Submitted by: unorganized social rebellion
8

The amount of people that confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

Submitted by: mish
3

Dear Algebra,
Quit asking us to find your ‘x’, she’s not coming back!
Love, Me.
P.S. And don’t ask me ‘y’ either.

Submitted by: ~Blackheart~
11

When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in Justin Bieber’s eyes and run.

Submitted by: Lord Slifer
7

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don’t matter he ain’t coming!!

Submitted by: her..
3

It’s not the miles that wears you down, it’s the pebble in your shoe.

Submitted by: Hanny
4

I talk to myself cos I prefer talking to a better class of people.;- )

Submitted by: Oluwajerry
2

Who says I can’t fix things. Gimme a duct tape!

Submitted by: Salman
10

Bad Spellers – UNTIE!!

Submitted by: Caitlyn
7

Predictive texting socks.

Submitted by: unknown
20

In the beginning, God created idiots. This was for practice. Then he created customer service.

Submitted by: Punk mcChump
6

If there is a golden rule then is there a silver and bronze rule?

Submitted by: Shizuka Hyuga
19

Wal- mart… do they like make walls there?

Submitted by: william holt
13

I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Submitted by: william holt
15

When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and never tried it again.
- Bill Clinton

Submitted by: william holt
12

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Submitted by: Malory
9

I’m the type of girl to walk into a chair and apologize.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
I’m not with stupid….We broke up.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
The trouble with life is that there’s no background music.
Don’t regret doing something, regret getting caught.
I didn’t lose my mind. I sold it on eBay!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful! hate me because…well…okay…HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL!
Imagine your life without me… Miserable huh?
Yes, you have the right to your opinion, and I have the right to think you are stupid.
I hear voices…. And they don’t like you.

Submitted by: me,myself and I
4

Cats are like potato chips you can’t have just one.

Submitted by: Amber
12

My wife is a spoilsport she caught me kissing the au pair and she told my secretary.

Submitted by: George Valentine
33

Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.

Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.

I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.

Submitted by: Cassie

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