Short Funny Quotes - Page 16
I feel like a pelican, no matter which way I turn, there is always a huge bill in front of my face.
When you get a deep cut, you get worried when you start bleeding. I would be more worried if it didn’t start to bleed actually.
A treehouse doesn’t have a kitchen, a bedroom, a hallway, a bathroom, a porch, doors, or even a chimney, so please. Just call it a tree box.
When curiosity sees a bright red button that says “Don’t push”, it only reads the second word.
If Mickey is a mouse, Minnie is a mouse, Donald is a duck, goofy is a dog, then what the heck is going on with Pluto? Is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped guy as a pet?
What did the stop light say to the car?
Don’t look I’m changing.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say half full, while they are arguing, I get a refill.
When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade, plant a freaking tree.
Sometimes I just stop and think, “Where the hell am I?”
The amount of people that confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.
Quit asking us to find your ‘x’, she’s not coming back!
P.S. And don’t ask me ‘y’ either.
When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in Justin Bieber’s eyes and run.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don’t matter he ain’t coming!!
It’s not the miles that wears you down, it’s the pebble in your shoe.
I talk to myself cos I prefer talking to a better class of people.;- )
Who says I can’t fix things. Gimme a duct tape!
Bad Spellers – UNTIE!!
Predictive texting socks.
In the beginning, God created idiots. This was for practice. Then he created customer service.
If there is a golden rule then is there a silver and bronze rule?
Wal- mart… do they like make walls there?
I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger
When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and never tried it again.
– Bill Clinton
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
I’m the type of girl to walk into a chair and apologize.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
I’m not with stupid….We broke up.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
The trouble with life is that there’s no background music.
Don’t regret doing something, regret getting caught.
I didn’t lose my mind. I sold it on eBay!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful! hate me because…well…okay…HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL!
Imagine your life without me… Miserable huh?
Yes, you have the right to your opinion, and I have the right to think you are stupid.
I hear voices…. And they don’t like you.
Cats are like potato chips you can’t have just one.
My wife is a spoilsport she caught me kissing the au pair and she told my secretary.
Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.
Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.
I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.