Short Funny Quotes

Some people are wise, some are otherwise.

Submitted by: Azrael

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

Strength can only give you power, but hope can give you success.

Submitted by: Sherry Qadeer

After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.

Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.

I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.

Yesterday I ran into my ex.
Then I pulled into reverse and ran over him again.

Submitted by: Katie

The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.

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Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!

I don’t drive FAST, I FLY SloWLy.

Submitted by: arun

Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

Submitted by: erskmor4

Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Submitted by: DUANE. G. FINCH. SR.

Just because I have ADHD does not mean I can’t pay attent…

Submitted by: me

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.

A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny?
Me: yeah, every time I look at you.

Submitted by: Nhlaks

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