Short Funny Quotes - Page 17
My wife is a spoilsport she caught me kissing the au pair and she told my secretary.
Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.
Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.
I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.
You call it immature, I call it having a good time.
You call it a crime, I call it legal.. I didn’t get caught yet.
Wanna see the rest of my dictionary?
Why do I need to learn how to find X and Y when solving maths…how many doctors, pilots, or engineers have you seen finding X or Y?
Gangster: You still wear a helmet?
Me: Yeah. I’d rather not end up in the hospital.;)
I was born brilliant but studies ruined me.
I’m shocked why people often ask me “Are you sure?” Oh God please tell them.. I’m Natts…:D
If life gives you lemons ask it for sugar, water, ice, and a stand by a hot busy road.
When I smile the world smiles with me, when I laugh everybody thinks I’m mad.
If you must lie, be brief.
Hang in there like a hair in a a biscuit!
To be old and wise you first must be young and stupid, that’s my excuse.
Cousin: Why are you so lazy?
Me: I’m not lazy I’m just saving my energy.
Think if man evolved from monkeys then why do we still have monkeys?
Every time I meet the girl of my dreams someone wakes me up.
Who is dumber:
The one who actually made the bro code into a book… Or… The one who buys it on the internet?
Pans…can be used as weapons or shields.
I love sweet people, they taste good.
Spoons…bowls with handles.
I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not looking for change.:)
If someone asks, why is it so hot in here? Say, Okay I’ll get out if you want.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into water guns and squirt people in the eyes.
He said: A girlfriend is like coffee. You throw her if it’s no longer hot.
She said: A boyfriend is like liquor. You throw up if you can no longer take it.
I lost one hundred and thirty pounds … But I don’t miss my wife anymore.