Short Funny Quotes - Page 17
When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into water guns and squirt people in the eyes.
He said: A girlfriend is like coffee. You throw her if it’s no longer hot.
She said: A boyfriend is like liquor. You throw up if you can no longer take it.
I lost one hundred and thirty pounds … But I don’t miss my wife anymore.
The patient dog eats the fattest bone…who eats the meat? The fastest dog of course!
Change is inevitable… Except from vending machines.
I don’t care if the glass is half empty or half full…because I’m not thirsty anymore.
If you have something to say, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t wanna be there when it happens.
I don’t keep track of time. Time keeps track of me.
I’ll admit I’m hot, but don’t blame me for global warming.
Are you free this weekend?… No, I’ll be expensive.
Is stupid making me drugs?
Curiosity killed the cat…luckily I’m not a cat.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, crime doesn’t pay. So, if you keep on reading, you’ll go broke. See what I’m sayin’ here?
Don’t try to be different, just be good. Because now a days just being good is different enough.
The amount of money that is in your bank at the time of death, is the extra work you did which wasn’t necessary.
If at first you don’t succeed, give up and let someone else do it.
If in doubt, Google it.
Vegetarian is Indian for “lousy hunter”.
Orange Juice+Orange Juice = Lots of Orange Juice
I have Skin. A potato has skin. Therefore I am a Potato.
Who invented Mondays, I’d like to have a word with him.
Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress to begin with.
Whoever said words don’t hurt never got hit in the head with a dictionary.
When I get the urge to clean the house… I lay down till it passes.
So why does when the bride throw the flowers the one who catch it will be the next one to get married.. Why don’t they try to throw the flowers for the dead to know who’ll die next.
Can you cry under water?
Do fishes ever get thirsty?
Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Why does round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?