Short Funny Quotes - Page 18
If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
The more I think, the more I get confused.
You say ear wax, I say melting brain.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
A big head with an empty brain is like a heavy load on the foolish neck.
Curiosity killed the cat, and saved the rat.
Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us.
Amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic, how do you feel now?
When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?
Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake!
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
With great power… Comes great need to take a nap.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words.
What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?”
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.
Boy:Hi can we be friends?
Boy: Come on I’m rich.
Girl: Hi I’m Claire, 22 yrs old,single.
Boy: My name is rich…26 yrs old…can we meet for dinner?
Girl: Sorry I don’t talk to strangers.
Today is the National animal’s day, so please take a minute and remember your ex!
Attraction is temporary love but love is permanent attraction.
To gain something in life you have to lose something but the converse is not true.
Wear Short Sleeves! Support the right to bear arms!
I hate you so much.
If there was a 3% stupidity tax, our Country’s budget deficit would be gone before the next fiscal tax season.
Husband and wife drive by a farm, and see cows grazing. Husband says “relatives”, and the wife responds “yes, in laws”.
I’m a pretty clever guy. For example, my username and password are always the same, just in case I forget either.
I’ll be back in 5 minutes. If I’m not read the first sentence again.
Some days you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue.
School is like a prison. But they won’t let you out early for good behavior.
I’ll bet you one dollar you’ll read this.
I am not racist I just happen to call it like I see it.
I have been to Rome … They sure did a great job building it in a day.
I’m not lying, I just forgot the truth.
When you stop making quotes about life giving you lemons, you will find true happiness in your life.
A short man is one who finds himself with people who are taller than him.
Every person tells minimum of 4 lies per day so approx 1490 lies a year! and the most common and favorite lies are I am fine and I was very busy…:)
One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure.
If someone says: “No offense”, he/she is about to say something offensive.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. Of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war.
– Chris Rock
DAD- iPay.. …!