Short Funny Quotes
You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”?
I just go to my friend’s house and try it.
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
– Winston Churchill
Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
– Bill Maher
Some call it stalking I call it love.
Why do I end up liking the guy I can only think of.
I was uncool before being uncool was cool!
Get like you? naw Get like me.
I called your boyfriend g*y…and then he hit me with his purse.
When I said “I’d hit that” I meant with my car.
Go buy yourself a life on e- bay.
Few women admit their ages a few men act theirs.
When Life Gives You Lemons… Throw Them Back And Demand Chocolate.
I Totally Just Made That Up 8 ]
I had superpowers until my therapist took them away!
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.
If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys!!!
Steal money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back!
Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny?
Me: yeah, every time I look at you.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I talk to myself because I only talk to people of a higher class.