Short Funny Quotes

You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”?
I just go to my friend’s house and try it.

Submitted by: Ale Angel

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Bill Maher

Some call it stalking I call it love.

Why do I end up liking the guy I can only think of.

I was uncool before being uncool was cool!

Get like you? naw Get like me.

I called your boyfriend g*y…and then he hit me with his purse.

When I said “I’d hit that” I meant with my car.

Go buy yourself a life on e- bay.

Few women admit their ages a few men act theirs.
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Submitted by: Denisse

When Life Gives You Lemons… Throw Them Back And Demand Chocolate.
I Totally Just Made That Up 8 ]

Submitted by: Bridget

I had superpowers until my therapist took them away!

Submitted by: Beth

Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.

If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys!!!

Submitted by: Joseph

Steal money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back!

Submitted by: Sweet22

Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Submitted by: the person whom you know not of...

A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny?
Me: yeah, every time I look at you.

Submitted by: Nhlaks

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

I talk to myself because I only talk to people of a higher class.

Submitted by: I

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