Short Funny Quotes - Page 18


He said: A girlfriend is like coffee. You throw her if it’s no longer hot.
She said: A boyfriend is like liquor. You throw up if you can no longer take it.

Submitted by: rexie

I lost one hundred and thirty pounds … But I don’t miss my wife anymore.

Submitted by: jeremy Garcia

The patient dog eats the fattest bone…who eats the meat? The fastest dog of course!

Submitted by: tsar

Change is inevitable… Except from vending machines.

Submitted by: Alexa

I don’t care if the glass is half empty or half full…because I’m not thirsty anymore.

Submitted by: MeMyselfAnI

If you have something to say, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

Submitted by: Aniqa

I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t wanna be there when it happens.

Submitted by: trueblue

I don’t keep track of time. Time keeps track of me.

Submitted by: Nathan

I’ll admit I’m hot, but don’t blame me for global warming.

Submitted by: Nicole

Are you free this weekend?… No, I’ll be expensive.

Submitted by: Peter

Is stupid making me drugs?

Submitted by: Spacekat

Curiosity killed the cat…luckily I’m not a cat.

Submitted by: KnowsAllTellsNone

Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, crime doesn’t pay. So, if you keep on reading, you’ll go broke. See what I’m sayin’ here?

Submitted by: Capri

Don’t try to be different, just be good. Because now a days just being good is different enough.

Submitted by: Shreyansh1512

The amount of money that is in your bank at the time of death, is the extra work you did which wasn’t necessary.

Submitted by: Shreyansh1512

If at first you don’t succeed, give up and let someone else do it.
If in doubt, Google it.

Submitted by: Jessica

Vegetarian is Indian for “lousy hunter”.

Submitted by: Rachel

Orange Juice+Orange Juice = Lots of Orange Juice
I have Skin. A potato has skin. Therefore I am a Potato.

Submitted by: Mia

Who invented Mondays, I’d like to have a word with him.

Submitted by: Ezzard

Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress to begin with.

Submitted by: Ezzard

Whoever said words don’t hurt never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

Submitted by: MrCoolGuy

When I get the urge to clean the house… I lay down till it passes.

Submitted by: crazybrandi

So why does when the bride throw the flowers the one who catch it will be the next one to get married.. Why don’t they try to throw the flowers for the dead to know who’ll die next.

Submitted by: @voidfaces_rocks

Interesting confusions:
Can you cry under water?
Do fishes ever get thirsty?
Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Why does round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?

Submitted by: red sunny

How can the world end in 2012l when we have yogurt that expires in 2013?

Submitted by: Sydnee

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