Short Funny Quotes - Page 2

52

My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor
54

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor
70

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin

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41

Poor : When you have too much month at the end of your money.

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43

Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

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55

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

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90

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
– Leo J. Burke

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18

I’m not dumb, I just think less to avoid all the headaches.

Submitted by: Shaneel Anand
28

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

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46

Your age doesn’t lie. Neither does that face.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
52

Animals need to eat. But so do we.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
27

Monday again?
Seriously though, I cannot keep doing this every week!

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40

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

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28

The pen may be mightier than the sword…but no one in braveheart carried one.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
37

Hitch your wagon to a star…but not a supernova.
– M.J. McGuire

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
27

The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.
– M.J. McGuire

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
22

A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.
– M.J. McGuire

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Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
48

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

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31

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, damn you’re good.

Submitted by: shabalaba
35

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
20

Bungee jumping is suicide with strings attached!

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire
15

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

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Submitted by: Jessy
12

Where’s my chips?

Funny Quote: Where’s my chips?

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Submitted by: Jessy
39

Relationship Status:
() Single
() In a relationship
() Married
() Engaged
() Divorced
(x) Waiting for a miracle

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20

I’m still waiting for that day…

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