Short Funny Quotes - Page 2
I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.
I currently live in the 9021 broke.
Breast implants gave my wife more confidence, and me more boobs.
During surgery: “The lights went out. But that won’t stop us.”
During surgery: “A screwdriver?. This can’t be right.”
There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.
During surgery: “Alright everyone, let’s dig in.”
Bumper sticker: I worked at hooters. Fifty years ago.
If soap tasted good I would never get clean.
During surgery: “God performs miracles. I don’t.”
My tiger is my best friend. After the cage is closed.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!
Without my driver’s license, you’ll just have to believe the age I tell you.
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then againm neither does milk.
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.
- Frank Sinatra
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- George Carlin
The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln
$19.99 Because $20.00 is an outrageous amount of money.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.
That moment of fear when you can’t get a ring off your finger.