Short Funny Quotes - Page 2
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- George Carlin
The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln
$19.99 Because $20.00 is an outrageous amount of money.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.
That moment of fear when you can’t get a ring off your finger.
The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
If nothing in life is free, why do they make samples!
I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.
Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem.
Rule of math: If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.
Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk & the Boy next to you took three, what would you have?
Student: A Fight.
Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!
I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep. :)
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU are “Salary is Credited”. :)
Today’s Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday and Friday is so close to Monday.
I never run with scissors.
Those last two words were unnecessary.
After being dead for centuries, a blind man asks someone to describe what heaven looks like. The man replies, “Go ask Satan”.
If you cut me in a line you’ll get kicked in the behind.
Everyone hates pennies. Except Lincoln.
Attitude: I work hard. At avoiding work.
Insult: If beauty fades you have nothing to worry about.
Memory loss: I had an epiphany. But I can’t remember what it was.
Boss: This job really isn’t for me. It’s for the sucker I keep giving it to.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if thrown hard enough.
During surgery: “At least he doesn’t have brain damage.” “Wait… Now he does.”
Bumper sticker: If my bumper falls off I’ll need this sticker back.
Oral hygiene: The dentist wanted to take one of my teeth. I said, “I think I’ll wait for the tooth fairy.”
Flying: Not a good way to let passengers know that they’re landing: “This plane is going down.”
Bumper sticker: I left my wife. Way back there.
Sanity: I think I’m crazy. I can’t stop thinking if I am. Does that make me crazy? You think I’m crazy don’t you?!
Fun killer: There will be no drinking at this party. And no people either.
Work: My boss is making his office bigger. His ego doesn’t fit.
During surgery: After everything we did, I can’t believe this guy is still alive.