Short Funny Quotes - Page 2

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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

Funny Quote: If it’s true that our species is...

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Rule #1 during arguments: If you’re losing, start correcting their grammar.

When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I’m single again.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
Dave Barry

Many people cycle or swim to keep trim. But if swimming is so good for the figure, how do you explain whales?
– Charles Saatchi

Funny Quote: Many people cycle or swim to keep...

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When people give you dirty looks, the dirt is on their face not yours.

Submitted by: Billy JC Laverty

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Ellen Degeneres

Funny Quote: Accept who you are. Unless you’re a...

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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry

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