Short Funny Quotes - Page 2

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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

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