Short Funny Quotes - Page 2

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, Hello? As if the bad guy is gonna be like, Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.
Erma Bombeck

Boyfriend: Want to see a magic trick?
Girlfriend: Sure
Boyfriend: Poof! You’re single!

Submitted by: Break up!

You know you are getting old, when your friends and relatives compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you aren’t wearing any!!!

Submitted by: Ralph Garcia

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here”.
Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Jerry Seinfeld

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Jerry Seinfeld

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