Short Funny Quotes - Page 2
Rule #1 I’m always right
Rule #2 If i’m wrong please look at rule #1
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
- George Carlin
Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.
Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.
I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.
Girl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.
Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.
Brother: Did you know that ’sugar’ is the only word in the English language where the ’su’ makes the ’sh’ sound?
Brother: Yeah, I’m sure.
When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa…peacfully…sleeping…not screaming, like the passengers in his car…
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. …
The girl who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
People tell me there is plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish .
I’m not immature…i just know how to have fun.
I ran into my ex today…put it in reverse and did it again!!!
To learn you must make mistakes; when you make a mistake you often will get in trouble. So then why do teachers punish you when you get into trouble if you are only learning, which is exactly what they want you to do?
I want to kill the hottest person alive… But suicide is a crime!
If karma doesn’t come around and hit you in the face, I will.
Teachers call it cheating, students call it teamwork.
Dear maths…!! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself!!!
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
The hardest part about business is minding your own.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot!
Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. By that time, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- W.C. Fields
Why is the slowest traffic of the day called “rush hour”?
I’m an excellent housekeeper..Every time I get divorce I keep the house ;- )
If you must lie, be brief.
Everyone has the right to their own opinion… Yours is just wrong.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
Why are they called apartments if they are all stuck together?
A picture is worth a thousand words, but only if you know that many.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- George Carlin
Would a fly without wings be called a walk.
My mind is like lighting, one brilliant flash, then its gone…:(
L.O.L has gone from meaning laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say.
Pandas are the least racist..they’re black, white, and Asian
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver, blue, purple, orange and all those other colors now.
I’m afraid of my mailman……..he knows where I live!!
Don’t follow my footsteps I run into walls!
I know I’m in my own little world..but it’s ok..they know me here!
Don’t kiss by the garden gate, love is blind, but the neighbors ain’t.
Never apologize for saying what you feel cos its apologizing for being real.
If you can’t get someone out of your head,
.. Then maybe they are supposed to be there. <3
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
- Groucho Marx
Bet you didn’t notice the the word ‘the’ has been said twice. :)