Short Funny Quotes - Page 2
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Steven Wright
Teacher : If your friend wants to borrow $5 and you gave him $10. How much will you get in return?
Student : Nothing!
Teacher : You don’t know Maths.
Student : You don’t know my friend.
A “Lion” would never cheat on his wife but a “Tiger Wood”.
Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.
When life gives you lemons,
make grape juice,
then sit back,
and let the wold wonder how you did it.
I’m not a complete idiot. Some pieces are missing.
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get. ];
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Boys fall for me-
Because I trip them.
When I see someone that is beautiful, I stare for awhile, and when I get tired, I put down the mirror. 8)
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin
Adults are just kids with money.
Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.
Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.
I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.
Rule #1 I’m always right
Rule #2 If i’m wrong please look at rule #1
When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa…peacfully…sleeping…not screaming, like the passengers in his car…
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. …
Girl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.
Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.
Brother: Did you know that ’sugar’ is the only word in the English language where the ’su’ makes the ’sh’ sound?
Brother: Yeah, I’m sure.
I’m not immature…i just know how to have fun.
People tell me there is plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish .
I ran into my ex today…put it in reverse and did it again!!!
I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.
The girl who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
– George Carlin