Short Funny Quotes

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!

Submitted by: Jamie

A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I forgot.

Submitted by: Tj

Extension of common sense leads to confusion..

Submitted by: dragon

Define unfair advantage? Um…a crocodile in a smiling contest.

Submitted by: sketcher

Regular naps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving a car.
I believe that we should play our taxes with a smile…I tried but they wanted cash.

Submitted by: Nene

From great power comes a great electricity bill.

Submitted by: shaqz

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Henny Youngman

I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.

I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.

Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Karmenia: So?
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!

Submitted by: iluvwords...

Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Submitted by: emma

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld

Poor : When you have too much month at the end of your money.

Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D

Alcohol – Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad.

There are two types of human beings found on Facebook.
One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts.
And the others are men.

Submitted by: Rajesh Joe

I don’t want to look at the bright side. It’ll hurt my eye.
– Olivia

Submitted by: Olivia

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

Submitted by: Becca

If life gave Lady Gaga lemons, she would make an outfit out of them.

Submitted by: Crystal

School is like a prison. But they won’t let you out early for good behavior.

Submitted by: Jess

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
– Gracie Allen

If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notification we will get will be: “You have to install driver to add friends”.

Submitted by: salman sheikh

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.”

Submitted by: Nathan

Don’t trouble the trouble unless the trouble troubles you…if you trouble the trouble ..the trouble will double trouble you.

Submitted by: aditya

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