Short Funny Quotes
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!
A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I forgot.
Extension of common sense leads to confusion..
Define unfair advantage? Um…a crocodile in a smiling contest.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving a car.
I believe that we should play our taxes with a smile…I tried but they wanted cash.
From great power comes a great electricity bill.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Henny Youngman
I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.
I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.
Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!
Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– Jerry Seinfeld
Poor : When you have too much month at the end of your money.
Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D
Alcohol – Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad.
There are two types of human beings found on Facebook.
One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts.
And the others are men.
I don’t want to look at the bright side. It’ll hurt my eye.
A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
If life gave Lady Gaga lemons, she would make an outfit out of them.
School is like a prison. But they won’t let you out early for good behavior.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
– Gracie Allen
If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notification we will get will be: “You have to install driver to add friends”.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.”
Don’t trouble the trouble unless the trouble troubles you…if you trouble the trouble ..the trouble will double trouble you.