Short Funny Quotes

Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us.
Amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic, how do you feel now?
When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?
Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake!
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
With great power… Comes great need to take a nap.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words.
What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?”
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.

Submitted by: MYA MOORE

Who could be so cruel too put a ‘S’ in lisp.

Submitted by: James

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin

Smile and the world smiles with you.
Laugh and they’ll think your on drugs.

Submitted by: Holli
Advertisements

Where’s my chips?

Submitted by: Jessy

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

When I get depressed I cut myself ….. A piece of cheesecake.

Submitted by: Linda

I wasn’t sleeping I was just taking a good look at my eye- lids.
Behind Every Successful Person Lies A Pack Of Haters.

Submitted by: Bella Jane

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Submitted by: Carlito

Save the planet it’s the only one with beer.

Submitted by: MI
Advertisements

I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.

Submitted by: Kuzai

Business is stealing other people’s money legally.

Submitted by: salehe hemedi

Boy:Hi can we be friends?
Girl: No!
Boy: Come on I’m rich.
Girl: Hi I’m Claire, 22 yrs old,single.
Boy: My name is rich…26 yrs old…can we meet for dinner?
Girl: Sorry I don’t talk to strangers.

Submitted by: just someone

The correct phobic term for the fear of long words? Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (!)

Submitted by: Solberto_Coronavich

Copyright © 2006-2017 - All rights reserved. Home | Blog | Contact Us | FAQ | Privacy Policy | Submit A Quote