Short Funny Quotes

People say that I’m indecisive, but…I don’t know if I am, well maybe.

Submitted by: adsmitty

80% of all people can’t do simple mathematics. Okay, but what about the 40% who can.

Submitted by: Hoopero

Pans…can be used as weapons or shields.

Submitted by: mattie posted it but timber wrote it

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
Mark Twain

Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.
– John Wayne

Two things are infinite : the universe and human stupidity; I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.

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I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!

Submitted by: Jamie

Selfishness: Lack of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Submitted by: mick

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.

Submitted by: Hmmm

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Submitted by: David lynch

14 Year Old: Santa isn’t real!
6 Year Old: Neither is Edward Cullen!
Guess who ran away crying.:p

Submitted by: TWILIGHT - Hearts

Dear Yahoo,
You never hear anybody say “Lets Yahoo it”, just saying.
Sincerely,
Google.

Submitted by: Kyle

Even Barbie is not perfect.. I snapped off her leg.

Submitted by: smel(:

When all else fails, read the directions.

Submitted by: MarkB

I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = pregnancy

It’s funny when a dare devil blasts past you in the traffic when you’re just cruising and when you pull up to the traffic lights you’re next to him!

Submitted by: Stephan Naude

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