Short Funny Quotes - Page 26
I’m giving you a definite maybe.
- Sam Goldwyn
I know only two tunes. One of them is “Yankee Doodle” and the other isn’t.
- Ulysses S. Grant
Yes, females do pursue me (if you count mosquitoes).
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Excuse me, but do these stairs go up?
Traffic is moving at a standstill.
- Traffic Reporter
This project is so important that we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.
Winter related injuries occur more often in winter.
Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Make it idiot- proof, and someone will make a better idiot!
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, “So far so good!”
The girl who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Why is the quote “When Life gives You Lemons” so popular; when has life ever given someone a lemon.
I’m not claustrophobic, I just prefer to live outside the box.
What most people consider style now who have had them outcasted in school 10 years ago…
I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
Who could be so cruel too put a ‘S’ in lisp.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
When life gives you lemon you sell them on eBay.
My imaginary friend thinks I’m mentally insane.
Drugs cause amnesia and … I can’t remember the other things.
Everything is legal. Until you get caught.
All work and no play makes Jack a manager.
Everyone wants to top in exams but no one wants to study.
Chuck Norris doesn’t watch TV, TV watches Chuck Norris.
What software would you recommend to give my presentation with so much flash and sizzle that nobody notices that I have nothing to say?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If “poli” means many, and “tics” mean bloodsucking creatures, then what does “politics” mean?
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys!!!
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
When life gives you lemons, sell them and buy the fruit you like.
They say, it’s darkest before dawn…so if you’re gonna steal your neighbors newspaper, that’s the right time to do it.
If you see one goose it is called a goose. If you see more then one its called geese. How come when you see more then one moose it isn’t calles meese?
Students are the only costumers who don’t want what they paid for.