Short Funny Quotes - Page 26
Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
Suicide is the most sincere form of self- criticism.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
I have great faith in fools; self- confidence my friends call it.
- Edgar Allen Poe
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
- Jerry Seinfeld
Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
I would take a bomb, but I can’t stand the noise.
- Joe E. Lewis
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Everyone has a photographic memory… Some just don’t have film.
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.
- Lauren Myracle
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen
Your school GPA is inversely proportional to your girlfriend’s looks and vice versa.
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
- Golda Meir
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
- Woody Allen
I’m knot a blonde! I’m knot, I’m knot, I’m knot!
There is a light at the end of every tunnel…just pray it’s not a train!.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
I’ve got problem for your solution…
The time to begin most things is ten years ago.
- Mignon McLaughlin
The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.
- Steve Martin
All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.
- Gordon B. Hinckley
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid.