Short Funny Quotes

I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday and Friday is so close to Monday.

No matter how old or how bad a** you think you are, when a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it!!

Submitted by: Bijoysarkarsam/

I really hate cigarettes. Whenever I see one, I lit it up.

Submitted by: pied piper

Patience is a procrastinators excuse!!!

Submitted by: Heather

If I spoke my mind, I would be in deep trouble.

Submitted by: katie

If the batteries in our T.V remote are dead … Why do we keep pushing the button until our fingers hurt ?

Submitted by: littleredridinghood.

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

Submitted by: Robert D Dangoor

There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then againm neither does milk.

I have CDO, it’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order…As they should be.

Tell your girlfriend, I said thanks…!

Submitted by: mallikarjun

My therapist says that I can’t see you anymore because you make me crazy.

Submitted by: day

Interesting confusions:
Can you cry under water?
Do fishes ever get thirsty?
Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Why does round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?

Submitted by: red sunny

When I get bored, I look through my entire phone to see if there are any cool options I missed.

To do is to be. – Socrates
To be is to do. – Sartre
Do be do be do. – Frank Sinatra
– Kurt Vonnegut

Submitted by: Ashley Rushbrook

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