Short Funny Quotes

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

Apple wanted to make a iPod for kids. Apparently the name “iTouch kids” didn’t sit very well.\

Submitted by: Nafeesa

I study high. I take the test high. Therefore, I should get high scores.

Submitted by: LRS

I’m the type of girl to walk into a chair and apologize.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
I’m not with stupid….We broke up.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
The trouble with life is that there’s no background music.
Don’t regret doing something, regret getting caught.
I didn’t lose my mind. I sold it on eBay!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful! hate me because…well…okay…HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL!
Imagine your life without me… Miserable huh?
Yes, you have the right to your opinion, and I have the right to think you are stupid.
I hear voices…. And they don’t like you.

Submitted by: me,myself and I

Toilet paper: highly useful, yet inappropriate as a gift.

Submitted by: raisthesungod

If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
The more I think, the more I get confused.

Submitted by: Corny

If someone asks, why is it so hot in here? Say, Okay I’ll get out if you want.

Submitted by: anynomus

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half- shut afterwards.
– Benjamin Franklin


I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the easily offended deserve to be easily offended.

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire

Waiting for the perfect girl? Idiot, even if you find her she’ll be waiting for the perfect man.

Are you one of those people who ‘pull’ the door when it says ‘push’?

Submitted by: uygoi

One thing wrong with common sense, it’s not very common anymore.

Submitted by: Cofussion

When someone says “Can I ask you a question?” they didn’t really give you a choice.

Submitted by: ham

You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.

Submitted by: Derick makuu

First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?

Submitted by: Dennis Mez

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.
Jarod Kintz


My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son- of- a- b*tch.”

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope

The pen may be mightier than the sword…but no one in braveheart carried one.

Submitted by: M.J. McGuire

As an explosive tester I love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought it was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.

Submitted by: zen master

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