Short Funny Quotes
Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.
Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Old is always fifteen years from now.
– Bill Cosby
Some times when I am alone, I Google myself.
Why call it a toothbrush, is it used for brushing a single tooth?
Guns don’t kill people, it’s mostly the bullets.
When life gives you lemon you sell them on eBay.
My imaginary friend thinks I’m mentally insane.
Drugs cause amnesia and … I can’t remember the other things.
Some guys will tell you they love you, and won’t even know your favorite color.
Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy? They suck it out of their grandparents.
– Gene Perret
Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Got back from grocery store. Reading the ingredients I noticed:
The lemonade was made with artificial flavoring.
But the dish soap was made with real lemons.
Women’s fault are many. Guys only have two; everything they say and everything they do.:p
Cousin: Why are you so lazy?
Me: I’m not lazy I’m just saving my energy.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
I know it all; I just can’t remember it simultaneously.
I like the way your mind malfunctions.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
If all else fails, lower your standards.
I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think its hell.
I no longer fear hell – I’ve worked in Retail.
I’m lost. I’ve gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
If all else fails, read the directions.
If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
There you go again, thinking you have rights.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice week.
It’s not what you’re called…it’s what you answer to.
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.
There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say half full, while they are arguing, I get a refill.
Who is dumber:
The one who actually made the bro code into a book… Or… The one who buys it on the internet?
When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in Justin Bieber’s eyes and run.
When curiosity sees a bright red button that says “Don’t push”, it only reads the second word.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
– Elbert Hubbard
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
– Woody Allen
Valentine’s Day Money- Saving Tip: Break Up on Feb 13th, Get back together on the 15th.
Flirting is a risky game. One mistake, and you are committed.
The awkward moment when Wikipedia has copied your homework.