Short Funny Quotes | Funny Life Quotes | Cool Funny Quotes - Page 28

I’m giving you a definite maybe.
– Sam Goldwyn

I know only two tunes. One of them is “Yankee Doodle” and the other isn’t.
– Ulysses S. Grant

Yes, females do pursue me (if you count mosquitoes).

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Excuse me, but do these stairs go up?

Traffic is moving at a standstill.
– Traffic Reporter

This project is so important that we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.
Winter related injuries occur more often in winter.
– Newswoman

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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
– Gracie Allen

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think!
The only advantage of exercising is that you die healthy.
There’s only one thing common in all human beings:they’re all different!

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When all else fails, read the directions.

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Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D

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Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
– Robert Orben

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
– Groucho Marx

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Did you sleep well?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.
– Steven Wright

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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
– Earl Wilson

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
– Steve Martin

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An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
– Will Rogers

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From great power comes a great electricity bill.

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80% of all people can’t do simple mathematics. Okay, but what about the 40% who can.

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All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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Alcohol – Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad.

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Define unfair advantage? Um…a crocodile in a smiling contest.

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Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.”

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I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.

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