Short Funny Quotes - Page 29
I don’t really care whether a glass is half empty or half full, all I know is that I want my glass filled!!
Do it today, it might be illegal tomorrow.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
A mother’s menu consists of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Why call it a toothbrush, is it used for brushing a single tooth?
People tell me there is plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish .
You either like me or you hate me, either way, you idiots still know my name.
I’m not random. I just have many thoughts I feel you should know.
Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.
It is not easy going through life and being perfect. I thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out I was wrong.
I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous!
Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk.
Get Well Soon!
Why Get Well Soon?
Why Not Get Well Now?
I Know Because You Want Me To Suffer!!!
When I get depressed I cut myself ….. A piece of cheesecake.
I’ll think of something witty to say about it later.
When life gives you lemons it means you’ve obviously knock over the fruit barrel.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy – the parents.
Don’t kiss by the garden gate,
Love is blind, but the neighbors ain’t
Maybe life should stop giving lemons… It just gives people ideas on what to do with it.
When life gives you lemons, throw em back and tell em they can make their own lemonade.
When life gives you lemons..cut them into slices and put them in your corona.
When I was kidnapped, my parents leaped into action…they rented out my room.
Bet you didn’t notice the the word ‘the’ has been said twice. :)
Welcome to the dark side. What? Surprised? We lied about the cookies.
When life gives you apples… Say, what the hell are you thinkin’? You got the wrong fruit!