Short Funny Quotes - Page 3
During surgery: “God performs miracles. I don’t.”
My tiger is my best friend. After the cage is closed.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!
Without my driver’s license, you’ll just have to believe the age I tell you.
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then againm neither does milk.
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.
- Frank Sinatra
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- George Carlin
The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln
$19.99 Because $20.00 is an outrageous amount of money.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.
That moment of fear when you can’t get a ring off your finger.
The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
If nothing in life is free, why do they make samples!
I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.
Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem.
Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk & the Boy next to you took three, what would you have?
Student: A Fight.
Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS?!
I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep. :)
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU are “Salary is Credited”. :)