Short Funny Quotes - Page 3
Fact of life after Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF!!!
Anti-Pick Up Lines:
He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.
He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.
He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.
He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?
He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.
He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.
He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.
I currently live in the 9021 broke.
Breast implants gave my wife more confidence, and me more boobs.
During surgery: “The lights went out. But that won’t stop us.”
During surgery: “A screwdriver?. This can’t be right.”
There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.
During surgery: “Alright everyone, let’s dig in.”
Bumper sticker: I worked at hooters. Fifty years ago.
If soap tasted good I would never get clean.
During surgery: “God performs miracles. I don’t.”
My tiger is my best friend. After the cage is closed.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!
Without my driver’s license, you’ll just have to believe the age I tell you.
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then againm neither does milk.
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.
– Frank Sinatra
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.
The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.
– Abraham Lincoln
$19.99 Because $20.00 is an outrageous amount of money.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.