Short Funny Quotes - Page 3
Sanity: I’m not crazy. “Yes you are.”
Here’s what I tell people who try to buy happiness: stay away from mine. It’s not for sale.
Women & shoes: My heels are always there to pick me right up.
Society: Annoying people don’t go away. Everyone else does.
Life: Besides gravity, nothing keeps me down.
During surgery: “Isn’t this the guy that slept with your wife?”
Spending habits: My shopping obsession is not a disease. I feel fine, and certainly look good.
Insult: If you’re dating an idiot, you have found your perfect match.
Bumper sticker: My horn doesn’t work. My finger does.
It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Sometimes I listen to stranger’s conversation and mentally give my opinion.
Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something.
Shut Up Voices!
Why are girls?
Alcohol – Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad.
I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
Dear Bad Luck…Let’s break up.
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
I’ll be on you faster than a hobo on a ham sandwich.
When ever you can afford to get married. Buy yourself a sports car.
Remember: you were once the strongest sperm of your dad. =)
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Often when I fall, I don’t wake up. I lie there and enjoy my nap.
Follow your dreams…except for that one where you’re naked at work.
If you are bad. Then I am your dad.
You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.
As an explosive tester I love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought it was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.
Is your refrigerator running? Well if so you better go catch it.
There’s a price you pay for chewing your mouth so fast, you tongue is at risk!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.
First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?
There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.
A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.
Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”
When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.
Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!