Short Funny Quotes - Page 3

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Anti-Pick Up Lines:

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.

He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.

He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.

He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?

He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.

He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.

He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Funny Quote: Anti-Pick Up Lines: He: Can I buy...

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6

I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.

Funny Quote: I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely...

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12

I currently live in the 9021 broke.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
34

Breast implants gave my wife more confidence, and me more boobs.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
15

During surgery: “The lights went out. But that won’t stop us.”

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
23

During surgery: “A screwdriver?. This can’t be right.”

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
23

There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
18

During surgery: “Alright everyone, let’s dig in.”

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
18

Bumper sticker: I worked at hooters. Fifty years ago.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
27

If soap tasted good I would never get clean.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
8

During surgery: “God performs miracles. I don’t.”

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
20

My tiger is my best friend. After the cage is closed.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
40

We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!

Submitted by: BestFriend
15

Without my driver’s license, you’ll just have to believe the age I tell you.

10

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.

Funny Quote: Things that are difficult to say when...

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15

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then againm neither does milk.

Funny Quote: Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then...

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25

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.
- Frank Sinatra

Funny Quote: Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but...

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16

I don’t have a drinking problem.
I drink,
I get drunk,
I pass out,
NO PROBLEM!

Funny Quote: I don’t have a drinking problem. I...

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3

The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.

Funny Quote: The first 40 years of your childhood...

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1

I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.

Funny Quote: I hate how after an argument I...

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11

The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln

Funny Quote: The trouble with quotes on the internet...

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5

$19.99 Because $20.00 is an outrageous amount of money.

Funny Quote: $19.99 Because $20.00 is an outrageous amount...

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4

We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.

Funny Quote: We’re all mature until somebody brings out...

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3

I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.

Funny Quote: I hate how when I read in...

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5

That moment of fear when you can’t get a ring off your finger.

Funny Quote: That moment of fear when you can’t...

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