Short Funny Quotes - Page 3
Death, taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.
- Margaret Mitchell
When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.
Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!
Friends are like potatoes, when you eat them they die.
Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif. freeway
Could you drive any better
If that phone
Was up your a**!!!
I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
- Erma Bombeck
Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.
Taken is the adult version of finding nemo. :p
I just saw this wicked cool stunt on TV involving fire and explosives but of course the announcer said “Do not try this at home!”. Do you care if I come over for a while?
A ginger walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A brunette walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A dumb blonde walks into a bar and says ouch.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck
I wish my phone never ran out of battery and my fridge never ran out of food.
Science is always wrong. It never solves a problem without creating ten more.
~ George Bernard Shaw
Some people say my mind is in the gutter. I say if it were not for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.
Glass, china, and reputation are easily cracked, and never mended well.
- Benjamin Franklin
The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.
- Jarod Kintz