Short Funny Quotes - Page 3

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
Rodney Dangerfield

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield

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