Short Funny Quotes

Dear brain, please start being able to tell the difference between hungry and bored. Sincerely, I’m getting fat!

I’ll be on you faster than a hobo on a ham sandwich.

Submitted by: athena lol

Remember: you were once the strongest sperm of your dad. =)

Submitted by: alex elardo

When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.

Submitted by: Emmy

If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC.
– Drake

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it most…don’t use it.

Submitted by: Pat MA hiney

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Submitted by: James Corlett

Had a dream I was awesome woke up…. Still awesome!!!

Submitted by: Jenna

Genius is a person who can do a work in one day…but a fool does it in one year…. Just as we complete our syllabus in one day & our teachers do it in one year… WE ROCK.

Submitted by: manisha chhetri

I’m not going to sit here and stand for that!
– Rush Limbaugh

Submitted by: Brad Branham

When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.

On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.
Gene Perret

If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.

Submitted by: Armondo

Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx


“Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A B*TCH.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on the roll. B- ) or you’re taking cr*p from some a**hole. (:

Submitted by: Britney Spykerman

I’m not lazy… I’m just too good in energy conservation.

Submitted by: Obee

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

Submitted by: Phil

I still wonder why goods transported by a “Ship” are called “Cargo” and those by cars are called “Shipment”.

Submitted by: ƒLªwL³sŠ

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