Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. – Rodney Dangerfield
I still have a beautiful figure… Under couple of layers of cholesterol ;)
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”
I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I pass out, NO PROBLEM!
The most dangerous person is a mailman becoming a hitman, he knows where you live.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
Ever since I started to get recognition I’ve picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them. – Jim Carrey
I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.
Never give loan to your friends, Otherwise you will lose both.
A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd. – M.J. McGuire
An apple a day will keep anyone away if thrown hard enough.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. – Napoleon Bonaparte
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
Today is the National animal’s day, so please take a minute and remember your ex!
Vegetarians are killing the rainforest.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller
If there was a 3% stupidity tax, our Country’s budget deficit would be gone before the next fiscal tax season.
I’m so cool, ice cubes get jealous.
I don’t understand why funeral has the word “Fun” in it.
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