Short Funny Quotes
The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, but when you get there, you find it’s artificial turf.
Actions speak louder than text messages.
I don’t have a short temper.
I have a quick reaction to wrong action. :D :D
I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.
Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”
If there was an award for laziness I’d probably send somebody else to pick it up for me.
I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyllis Diller
Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.
– Gene Perret
Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.
– Bill Cosby
What is the speed of dark?
– Steven Wright
One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.
– George W. Bush
Have you ever noticed that studying is a combination of student and dying.
My password is ********* How many asterisks do you use for your password?
4 out of 5 atheists don’t believe in God.
I bet Einstein would have liked color.
I didn’t think it would involve thinking.
I snore on purpose.
Organically grown poisons are healthier.
When I was a kid, I could buy a dollar for ten cents.
When my boss said “You’ve been late for the 5th time!” I thought to myself, “Yay! It’s Friday!”
Smile. It irritates those who wish to destroy you.
Immature is only a word boring people use to describe fun people.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way, that you actually look forward to going there.
During surgery: “At least he doesn’t have brain damage.” “Wait… Now he does.”
Shut Up Voices!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Women’s weapon, water- drops.
– William Shakespeare
I hate when I can’t remember if I am drying off my face with the same side of the towel I dried my butt off with.
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.
If you notice this notice you will notice that this notice is a noticeable notice.
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
– Ellen DeGeneres