Short Funny Quotes

The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, but when you get there, you find it’s artificial turf.

Submitted by: Dnomzid

Actions speak louder than text messages.

Submitted by: TNABigRiz

I don’t have a short temper.
But
I have a quick reaction to wrong action. :D :D

Submitted by: Apana lama

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.

Submitted by: Ronak

Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”

Submitted by: Rachele

If there was an award for laziness I’d probably send somebody else to pick it up for me.

I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t.

Submitted by: jacob

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.
Gene Perret

Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.
Bill Cosby

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What is the speed of dark?
Steven Wright

One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.
George W. Bush

Have you ever noticed that studying is a combination of student and dying.

Submitted by: keerthi

My password is ********* How many asterisks do you use for your password?
4 out of 5 atheists don’t believe in God.
I bet Einstein would have liked color.
I didn’t think it would involve thinking.
I snore on purpose.
Organically grown poisons are healthier.
When I was a kid, I could buy a dollar for ten cents.

Submitted by: bertman

When my boss said “You’ve been late for the 5th time!” I thought to myself, “Yay! It’s Friday!”

Submitted by: Peacfulimcute

Smile. It irritates those who wish to destroy you.
Immature is only a word boring people use to describe fun people.

Submitted by: ME

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way, that you actually look forward to going there.

Submitted by: Travis

During surgery: “At least he doesn’t have brain damage.” “Wait… Now he does.”

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson

Shut Up Voices!

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

Submitted by: malcolm burns
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Women’s weapon, water- drops.
William Shakespeare

I hate when I can’t remember if I am drying off my face with the same side of the towel I dried my butt off with.

Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.

Submitted by: Aniqa

If you notice this notice you will notice that this notice is a noticeable notice.

Submitted by: Alyssa

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
– Ellen DeGeneres

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