Short Funny Quotes - Page 4
Today’s Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday and Friday is so close to Monday.
I never run with scissors.
Those last two words were unnecessary.
After being dead for centuries, a blind man asks someone to describe what heaven looks like. The man replies, “Go ask Satan”.
If you cut me in a line you’ll get kicked in the behind.
Everyone hates pennies. Except Lincoln.
Attitude: I work hard. At avoiding work.
Insult: If beauty fades you have nothing to worry about.
Memory loss: I had an epiphany. But I can’t remember what it was.
Boss: This job really isn’t for me. It’s for the sucker I keep giving it to.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if thrown hard enough.
During surgery: “At least he doesn’t have brain damage.” “Wait… Now he does.”
Bumper sticker: If my bumper falls off I’ll need this sticker back.
Oral hygiene: The dentist wanted to take one of my teeth. I said, “I think I’ll wait for the tooth fairy.”
Flying: Not a good way to let passengers know that they’re landing: “This plane is going down.”
Bumper sticker: I left my wife. Way back there.
Sanity: I think I’m crazy. I can’t stop thinking if I am. Does that make me crazy? You think I’m crazy don’t you?!
Fun killer: There will be no drinking at this party. And no people either.
Work: My boss is making his office bigger. His ego doesn’t fit.
During surgery: After everything we did, I can’t believe this guy is still alive.
Sanity: I’m not crazy. “Yes you are.”
Here’s what I tell people who try to buy happiness: stay away from mine. It’s not for sale.
Women & shoes: My heels are always there to pick me right up.