Short Funny Quotes
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
– George Jessel
The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.
– Douglas Engelbart
Dear Diet, things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not me it’s you. You are tasteless and boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
I guess I need a hobby. Currently my primary hobby is complaining.
– Jay Duplass
You know who they’re blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.
When short hemlines came back into fashion, my old girlfriend dug an
old mini skirt out of her closet.
She tried it on, but couldn’t figure out what to do with her other leg.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure.
The teacher asked a somewhat fleshy girl, “What is your favorite animal?”
The girl replied with enthusiasm, “Fried chicken!”