Short Funny Quotes

To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady.
– Wilson Mizner

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
– George Jessel

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.
– Douglas Engelbart

Dear Diet, things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not me it’s you. You are tasteless and boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.

My body is a temple where junk food goes to worship

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

I guess I need a hobby. Currently my primary hobby is complaining.
– Jay Duplass

While you’re stabbing my back, you can kiss my ass too.

If worrying were an Olympic sport, you’d get the gold for sure.

Q. How many calories are there in a piece of chocolate?
A. Who cares?

Funny obesity advice:

If it tastes good, It’s trying to kill you.

You know who they’re blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

When short hemlines came back into fashion, my old girlfriend dug an
old mini skirt out of her closet.
She tried it on, but couldn’t figure out what to do with her other leg.

What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure.

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