Short Funny Quotes

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.
– Jack Benny

I don’t understand how some people have the courage to tell their crush they like them. I don’t even have the courage to ask for extra ketchup at McDonald’s.

I like fat people more than I like thin people, things are always a lot more funnier when they happen to fat people.

You are so fat, people jog around you for exercise.

Want to look skinny without losing any weight? Hang out with fat people.

I swear, I don’t mind being fat…Until we reach a mall. Then I wish I was skinny!

I’m not fat. I’m just so sexy that it overflows.

What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.

I’m in shape. Unfortunately, it’s the wrong one.

Damn, I forgot to go to the gym yesterday! That’s 10 years in a row now…

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I’m not saying she’s fat. I’m just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know…. She’d be three of them.

Want the most simple cure for childhood obesity? Ice cream trucks that don’t stop.

Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.

I’m not fat. My stomach is just in 3D.

Please don’t wear skinny jeans, if you don’t have any skinny genes.

Music teacher: ‘What’s your favorite musical instrument?’ Fat kid: ‘The lunch bell.’

If bars don’t serve drunk people, I don’t think McDonald’s should be able to serve fat people.

Please GOD if you can’t make me slim, make my friends fat.

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.

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