Short Funny Quotes - Page 4
After being dead for centuries, a blind man asks someone to describe what heaven looks like. The man replies, “Go ask Satan”.
If you cut me in a line you’ll get kicked in the behind.
Everyone hates pennies. Except Lincoln.
Attitude: I work hard. At avoiding work.
Insult: If beauty fades you have nothing to worry about.
Memory loss: I had an epiphany. But I can’t remember what it was.
Boss: This job really isn’t for me. It’s for the sucker I keep giving it to.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if thrown hard enough.
During surgery: “At least he doesn’t have brain damage.” “Wait… Now he does.”
Bumper sticker: If my bumper falls off I’ll need this sticker back.
Oral hygiene: The dentist wanted to take one of my teeth. I said, “I think I’ll wait for the tooth fairy.”
Flying: Not a good way to let passengers know that they’re landing: “This plane is going down.”
Bumper sticker: I left my wife. Way back there.
Sanity: I think I’m crazy. I can’t stop thinking if I am. Does that make me crazy? You think I’m crazy don’t you?!
Fun killer: There will be no drinking at this party. And no people either.
Work: My boss is making his office bigger. His ego doesn’t fit.
During surgery: After everything we did, I can’t believe this guy is still alive.
Sanity: I’m not crazy. “Yes you are.”
Here’s what I tell people who try to buy happiness: stay away from mine. It’s not for sale.
Women & shoes: My heels are always there to pick me right up.
Society: Annoying people don’t go away. Everyone else does.
Life: Besides gravity, nothing keeps me down.
During surgery: “Isn’t this the guy that slept with your wife?”
Spending habits: My shopping obsession is not a disease. I feel fine, and certainly look good.
Insult: If you’re dating an idiot, you have found your perfect match.