Short Funny Quotes

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: On Halloween, the parents sent their kids...

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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: My mother had morning sickness after I...

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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: One year they asked me to be...

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: My marriage is on the rocks again,...

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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I worked in a pet store and...

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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: It’s tough to stay married. My wife...

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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I drink too much. The last time...

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