Short Funny Quotes - Page 5
Society: Annoying people don’t go away. Everyone else does.
Life: Besides gravity, nothing keeps me down.
During surgery: “Isn’t this the guy that slept with your wife?”
Spending habits: My shopping obsession is not a disease. I feel fine, and certainly look good.
Insult: If you’re dating an idiot, you have found your perfect match.
Bumper sticker: My horn doesn’t work. My finger does.
It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Sometimes I listen to stranger’s conversation and mentally give my opinion.
Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something.
Shut Up Voices!
Why are girls?
Alcohol – Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad.
I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
Dear Bad Luck…Let’s break up.
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
I’ll be on you faster than a hobo on a ham sandwich.
When ever you can afford to get married. Buy yourself a sports car.
Remember: you were once the strongest sperm of your dad. =)
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Often when I fall, I don’t wake up. I lie there and enjoy my nap.
Follow your dreams…except for that one where you’re naked at work.
If you are bad. Then I am your dad.