Short Funny Quotes

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: It’s tough to stay married. My wife...

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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I drink too much. The last time...

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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice...

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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I told my dentist my teeth are...

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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

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