Short Funny Quotes - Page 5

9

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Submitted by: Carlito
11

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

Submitted by: Mark Cromo
15

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Bill Maher

21

Most popular things to do in an emergency…
60% Update Facebook Status
15% Record a Video, then upload it on YouTube
15% Update Twitter Status
10% Call Emergency Services

Submitted by: Captain Munch
36

Don’t believe any rumor until the government denies it.

Submitted by: Bonface stom
0

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright

24

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

Submitted by: Mahum
26

I am in shape…Round is a shape.

Submitted by: Kezzer
43

If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales???

Submitted by: IDK e IDC
8

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”.

Submitted by: Pseudonym
382

I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better :D

Submitted by: Dilip
30

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If “poli” means many, and “tics” mean bloodsucking creatures, then what does “politics” mean?

Submitted by: Laura
3

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Submitted by: mickey
16

You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”?
I just go to my friend’s house and try it.

Submitted by: Ale Angel
73

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs!

Submitted by: _FiLa96_
306

I love love love this quote!
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

Submitted by: Beckers
3

Dear Algebra,
Quit asking us to find your ‘x’, she’s not coming back!
Love, Me.
P.S. And don’t ask me ‘y’ either.

Submitted by: ~Blackheart~
1

People don’t grow up. They just learn how to act in public.

Submitted by: mooii
22

Do it today, it might be illegal tomorrow.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Submitted by: passionberry
58

If you weren’t who you are … I’d like you!

Submitted by: Kassie
38

When the short people attack you, you won’t see them coming.
I didn’t trip; I was testing gravity. It still works.

Submitted by: SUmmy
76

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright

Submitted by: Kacey
21

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
A mother’s menu consists of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Submitted by: jaza
108

I’m fat. But you’re ugly. At least I can diet.

Submitted by: Mich
114

When you are always ahead of others, you are always walking alone.

Submitted by: Longfellow

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