Short Funny Quotes - Page 5

21

Most popular things to do in an emergency…
60% Update Facebook Status
15% Record a Video, then upload it on YouTube
15% Update Twitter Status
10% Call Emergency Services

Submitted by: Captain Munch
15

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Bill Maher

24

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

Submitted by: Mahum
26

I am in shape…Round is a shape.

Submitted by: Kezzer
3

Dear Algebra,
Quit asking us to find your ‘x’, she’s not coming back!
Love, Me.
P.S. And don’t ask me ‘y’ either.

Submitted by: ~Blackheart~
30

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If “poli” means many, and “tics” mean bloodsucking creatures, then what does “politics” mean?

Submitted by: Laura
0

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope

0

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

43

If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales???

Submitted by: IDK e IDC
382

I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better :D

Submitted by: Dilip
6

Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

22

Do it today, it might be illegal tomorrow.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Submitted by: passionberry
73

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs!

Submitted by: _FiLa96_
306

I love love love this quote!
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

Submitted by: Beckers
7

How can the world end in 2012l when we have yogurt that expires in 2013?

Submitted by: Sydnee
58

If you weren’t who you are … I’d like you!

Submitted by: Kassie
21

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
A mother’s menu consists of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Submitted by: jaza
35

I never fall off.
I just,
Dismount with style.

Submitted by: HORSA_CLOTHING
38

When the short people attack you, you won’t see them coming.
I didn’t trip; I was testing gravity. It still works.

Submitted by: SUmmy
17

You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”?
I just go to my friend’s house and try it.

Submitted by: Ale Angel
76

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright

Submitted by: Kacey
24

Sipho : Dr I have a problem of forgetting.
Dr : When did the problem start?
Sipho : Which problem?

Submitted by: Victor
114

When you are always ahead of others, you are always walking alone.

Submitted by: Longfellow
108

I’m fat. But you’re ugly. At least I can diet.

Submitted by: Mich
60

Always follow the light out of the tunnel. Just make sure that its not a train.

Submitted by: Enos

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