Short Funny Quotes - Page 5
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
– Bill Maher
Most popular things to do in an emergency…
60% Update Facebook Status
15% Record a Video, then upload it on YouTube
15% Update Twitter Status
10% Call Emergency Services
Don’t believe any rumor until the government denies it.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
– Steven Wright
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
I am in shape…Round is a shape.
If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales???
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”.
I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better :D
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If “poli” means many, and “tics” mean bloodsucking creatures, then what does “politics” mean?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”?
I just go to my friend’s house and try it.
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs!
I love love love this quote!
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.
Quit asking us to find your ‘x’, she’s not coming back!
P.S. And don’t ask me ‘y’ either.
People don’t grow up. They just learn how to act in public.
Do it today, it might be illegal tomorrow.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
If you weren’t who you are … I’d like you!
When the short people attack you, you won’t see them coming.
I didn’t trip; I was testing gravity. It still works.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
– Steven Wright
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
A mother’s menu consists of two choices: Take it or leave it.
I’m fat. But you’re ugly. At least I can diet.
When you are always ahead of others, you are always walking alone.