Short Funny Quotes - Page 5
My favorite text message “I will be there in 5 minutes, if not read again”.
Follow your dreams…except for that one where you’re naked at work.
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx
Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
If someone says: “No offense”, he/she is about to say something offensive.
I’m single because I was born that way.
- Mae West
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Bill Cosby
What is the speed of dark?
- Steven Wright
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
- Orson Welles
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller
I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick!
Why is it that when something is delivered by truck, we call it a shipment, but when it’s delivered by ship we call it cargo?
Many people bring joy in my household, some by coming, others by going…
Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Why is is called a “building” when it’s already been built ?
If you want to look young and skinny stand next to a bunch of fat old people.
Some call it stalking I call it love.
Why do I end up liking the guy I can only think of.
I was uncool before being uncool was cool!
Get like you? naw Get like me.
I called your boyfriend g*y…and then he hit me with his purse.
When I said “I’d hit that” I meant with my car.
Go buy yourself a life on e- bay.
Few women admit their ages a few men act theirs.
The voices in my head aren’t real…my dog told me so.
BEER IS NOW CHEAPER THAN GAS, SO DRINK DONT DRIVE!
Can you cry under water?
Do fishes ever get thirsty?
Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Why does round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?
I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
- Yogi Berra
Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
- Phyllis Diller
One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life: Pull the door that says push.
They said the world is going to end this year…Pssh They can barely predict the weather.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
It’s recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.
- Harry S Truman
A truthful man doesn’t need a good memory, but a lair does.
You study to remember
If you remember too much you forget
If you forget you don’t know what you studied
If you forgot what you studied you fail your test.
SO WHY STUDY?
The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
Once I Realized That You Can Buy Trophies, I Became Good At Everything. (;
Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us.
Amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic, how do you feel now?
When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?
Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake!
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
With great power… Comes great need to take a nap.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words.
What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?”
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.
All I want is for one guy to prove that they are not all the same.
I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.
A waffle is like a pancake, with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
- Mae West
I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste.
I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.
- Mae West
“The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
- Theodore Roosevelt
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
- Mark Twain