Short Funny Quotes

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo

When life gives you lemons say “Screw you” And go find an orange.
Everything comes out right in the end, and if it isnt right, it isnt the end.

Submitted by: Samantha LeFavi

When God made me, he was showing off!!

Submitted by: Nandish

Vegetarians are killing the rainforest.

Submitted by: captain crunch

Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

Submitted by: Adrian

Girl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.
Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.

Submitted by: Carlos

The hardest part about business is minding your own.

Submitted by: jay

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs!

Submitted by: _FiLa96_

I stepped on a cheerio this morning… Does that make me a cereal killer?

Submitted by: Kristine
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright

Submitted by: Kacey

Everybody’s has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I’m just like “I love food”.

Submitted by: Pritty

Video games ruined my life. At least I have 2 left.

Submitted by: itadakimasu

Life is a game with a small fault…there is no “restart button” in it.

Submitted by: danz

When I see someone that is beautiful, I stare for awhile, and when I get tired, I put down the mirror. 8)

Submitted by: Hallie (11 yers old)

People want what they can’t have and when they get it they don’t want it anymore.

Practice makes perfect, but if no ones perfect, why practice?

Notice that you are noticing nothing worth noticing?

Submitted by: cassandra

Miss are you good in algebra?
Do you mind substituting my “x”??? :P

Submitted by: stig

Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.

Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.

I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.

Submitted by: Cassie

I’m not immature…i just know how to have fun.

Submitted by: KazeGirl

Anti-Pick Up Lines:

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.

He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.

He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.

He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?

He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.

He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.

He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

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