Short Funny Quotes - Page 6


You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.

Submitted by: Derick makuu

As an explosive tester I love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought it was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.

Submitted by: zen master

Is your refrigerator running? Well if so you better go catch it.

Submitted by: Bailey

There’s a price you pay for chewing your mouth so fast, you tongue is at risk!

Submitted by: Dani

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

Submitted by: malcolm burns

Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Boss: Why?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.

Submitted by: Wayne

First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?

Submitted by: Dennis Mez

There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King

A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King

Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”

Submitted by: Rachele

When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.

Submitted by: Emmy

Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Karmenia: So?
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!

Submitted by: iluvwords...

We can’t stop here, this is bat country!
- Hunter S. Thompson

Submitted by: jlh hilbert

Friends are like potatoes, when you eat them they die.

Submitted by: Brooke

Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif. freeway
Could you drive any better
If that phone
Was up your a**!!!

Submitted by: mike portugal

I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do.

Submitted by: STACY

Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.

Submitted by: Person

Taken is the adult version of finding nemo. :p

Submitted by: diti

I just saw this wicked cool stunt on TV involving fire and explosives but of course the announcer said “Do not try this at home!”. Do you care if I come over for a while?

Submitted by: Mike Smith

A ginger walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A brunette walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A dumb blonde walks into a bar and says ouch.

Submitted by: Avvi

Some people say my mind is in the gutter. I say if it were not for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Submitted by: Wesley

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

Submitted by: Mark Cromo

You: Go to hell.
Me: I go on vacations there.

Submitted by: Vuyie

I’m not going to sit here and stand for that!
- Rush Limbaugh

Submitted by: Brad Branham

3 blonds were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. “Those are moose tracks” the first blond said. “No, there deer tracks. ” the second blond replied. “You’re both wrong,” the third blond retorted. “Those are elk tracks. ” the blonds were still arguing when a train hit them.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1

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