Short Funny Quotes
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
When life gives you lemons say “Screw you” And go find an orange.
Everything comes out right in the end, and if it isnt right, it isnt the end.
When God made me, he was showing off!!
Vegetarians are killing the rainforest.
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
Girl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.
Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.
The hardest part about business is minding your own.
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs!
I stepped on a cheerio this morning… Does that make me a cereal killer?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
– Steven Wright
Everybody’s has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I’m just like “I love food”.
Video games ruined my life. At least I have 2 left.
Life is a game with a small fault…there is no “restart button” in it.
When I see someone that is beautiful, I stare for awhile, and when I get tired, I put down the mirror. 8)
People want what they can’t have and when they get it they don’t want it anymore.
Practice makes perfect, but if no ones perfect, why practice?
Notice that you are noticing nothing worth noticing?
Miss are you good in algebra?
Do you mind substituting my “x”??? :P
Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.
Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.
I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.
I’m not immature…i just know how to have fun.
Anti-Pick Up Lines:
He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.
He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.
He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.
He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?
He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.
He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.
He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.