Short Funny Quotes - Page 6
Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.
First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?
There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.
A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.
Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”
When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.
Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!
We can’t stop here, this is bat country!
- Hunter S. Thompson
Friends are like potatoes, when you eat them they die.
Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif. freeway
Could you drive any better
If that phone
Was up your a**!!!
I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do.
Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.
Taken is the adult version of finding nemo. :p
I just saw this wicked cool stunt on TV involving fire and explosives but of course the announcer said “Do not try this at home!”. Do you care if I come over for a while?
A ginger walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A brunette walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A dumb blonde walks into a bar and says ouch.
Some people say my mind is in the gutter. I say if it were not for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.
You: Go to hell.
Me: I go on vacations there.
I’m not going to sit here and stand for that!
- Rush Limbaugh
3 blonds were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. “Those are moose tracks” the first blond said. “No, there deer tracks. ” the second blond replied. “You’re both wrong,” the third blond retorted. “Those are elk tracks. ” the blonds were still arguing when a train hit them.
Everybody’s has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I’m just like “I love food”.
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t.
Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn’t, stupid enough to do it anyway.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.