Short Funny Quotes

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
Rodney Dangerfield

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: A girl phoned me the other day...

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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I saved a girl from being attacked...

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield

I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, ‘no’.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone...

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I told my wife the truth. I...

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