Short Funny Quotes - Page 6

10

Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Boss: Why?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.

Submitted by: Wayne
4

First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?

Submitted by: Dennis Mez
22

There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King
16

A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King
5

Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”

Submitted by: Rachele
5

When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.

Submitted by: Emmy
4

Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Karmenia: So?
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!

Submitted by: iluvwords...
7

We can’t stop here, this is bat country!
- Hunter S. Thompson

Submitted by: jlh hilbert
16

Friends are like potatoes, when you eat them they die.

Submitted by: Brooke
19

Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif. freeway
Could you drive any better
If that phone
Was up your a**!!!

Submitted by: mike portugal
8

I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do.

Submitted by: STACY
7

Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.

Submitted by: Person
8

Taken is the adult version of finding nemo. :p

Submitted by: diti
8

I just saw this wicked cool stunt on TV involving fire and explosives but of course the announcer said “Do not try this at home!”. Do you care if I come over for a while?

Submitted by: Mike Smith
13

A ginger walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A brunette walks into a bar and says can I have a beer?
A dumb blonde walks into a bar and says ouch.

Submitted by: Avvi
7

Some people say my mind is in the gutter. I say if it were not for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Submitted by: Wesley
8

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

Submitted by: Mark Cromo
21

You: Go to hell.
Me: I go on vacations there.

Submitted by: Vuyie
4

I’m not going to sit here and stand for that!
- Rush Limbaugh

Submitted by: Brad Branham
6

3 blonds were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. “Those are moose tracks” the first blond said. “No, there deer tracks. ” the second blond replied. “You’re both wrong,” the third blond retorted. “Those are elk tracks. ” the blonds were still arguing when a train hit them.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
6

Everybody’s has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I’m just like “I love food”.

Submitted by: Pritty
8

My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

Submitted by: dave title
3

I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t.

Submitted by: jacob
3

Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn’t, stupid enough to do it anyway.

6

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.


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