Short Funny Quotes

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.”

There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: “Hold my purse.”

A woman broke up with me, and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.

To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady.
– Wilson Mizner

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
– George Jessel

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.
– Douglas Engelbart

Dear Diet, things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not me it’s you. You are tasteless and boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.

My body is a temple where junk food goes to worship

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

I guess I need a hobby. Currently my primary hobby is complaining.
– Jay Duplass

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While you’re stabbing my back, you can kiss my ass too.

If worrying were an Olympic sport, you’d get the gold for sure.

Q. How many calories are there in a piece of chocolate?
A. Who cares?

Funny obesity advice:

If it tastes good, It’s trying to kill you.

You know who they’re blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

When short hemlines came back into fashion, my old girlfriend dug an
old mini skirt out of her closet.
She tried it on, but couldn’t figure out what to do with her other leg.

What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure.

The teacher asked a somewhat fleshy girl, “What is your favorite animal?”
The girl replied with enthusiasm, “Fried chicken!”

A diabetic walks into a bakery as asks the girl behind the counter, “What do you have that is safe for diabetics?”
The baker says, “Everything. As long as you don’t put it in your mouth.”

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