Short Funny Quotes - Page 7

7

Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Submitted by: Ronak Mota
6

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.

Submitted by: Ronak
12

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Submitted by: amanda
17

Often when I fall, I don’t wake up. I lie there and enjoy my nap.

Submitted by: Tiela Selepe
9

Follow your dreams…except for that one where you’re naked at work.

Submitted by: red27y
29

If you are bad. Then I am your dad.

Submitted by: dhwani pandit
11

You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.

Submitted by: Derick makuu
7

As an explosive tester I love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought it was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.

Submitted by: zen master
45

Is your refrigerator running? Well if so you better go catch it.

Submitted by: Bailey
30

There’s a price you pay for chewing your mouth so fast, you tongue is at risk!

Submitted by: Dani
38

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

Submitted by: malcolm burns
17

Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Boss: Why?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.

Submitted by: Wayne
6

First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?

Submitted by: Dennis Mez
29

There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King
24

A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King
8

Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”

Submitted by: Rachele
11

When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.

Submitted by: Emmy
4

Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Karmenia: So?
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!

Submitted by: iluvwords...
13

We can’t stop here, this is bat country!
– Hunter S. Thompson

Submitted by: jlh hilbert
22

Friends are like potatoes, when you eat them they die.

Submitted by: Brooke
36

Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif. freeway
Could you drive any better
If that phone
Was up your a**!!!

Submitted by: mike portugal
17

I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do.

Submitted by: STACY
14

Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.

Submitted by: Person
16

Taken is the adult version of finding nemo. :p

Submitted by: diti
14

I just saw this wicked cool stunt on TV involving fire and explosives but of course the announcer said “Do not try this at home!”. Do you care if I come over for a while?

Submitted by: Mike Smith

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