Short Funny Quotes
If you have something to say, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
– George Carlin
THINK its not illegal yet
QUICK!! What’s the number for 911!!!
Why is there no egg in eggplant and no ham in hamburger?
People have told me to never say never – they broke their own rule!
L.O.L has gone from meaning laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say.
Pandas are the least racist..they’re black, white, and Asian
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver, blue, purple, orange and all those other colors now.
I’m afraid of my mailman……..he knows where I live!!
If I’m not back in 5 minutes… Wait longer..
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?
Everybody makes mistakes.. The trick is making em when nobody is around..
When life hands you lemons… Make apple cider.. Then sit back and have everyone wondering how you did it.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
– Groucho Marx
Heaven doesn’t want me…and hell is too scared I’ll take over.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
– George Carlin
I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.
When cheese gets it’s picture taken what does it say?
If our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?
Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.
Your age doesn’t lie. Neither does that face.
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot!
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.