Short Funny Quotes - Page 7
If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Valentine’s Day Money- Saving Tip: Break Up on Feb 13th, Get back together on the 15th.
There are two types of human beings found on Facebook.
One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts.
And the others are men.
The awkward moment when Wikipedia has copied your homework.
My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son- of- a- b*tch.”
When I was a kid, I used to sing, “A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P”
I hate when I can’t remember if I am drying off my face with the same side of the towel I dried my butt off with.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ‘em not to f*** with you.
We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.
If a blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions.
If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.
Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!
I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!
I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.
I told my mom that my house was her house and she yelled at me, “Get of my property”.
Things on my “To do” list:
Put vanilla pudding in a mayonnaise jar and eat it in public.
Ask someone in a store what year it is and when they reply yell, “I did it!” and run out.
When in a crowded elevator, ask everyone, “I bet you are wondering why I have gathered you here today”.
When life gives you lemons, throw it away. I wouldn’t take a lemon from a bearded drunk guy with a shirt that says, “My name is life.” Would you?
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
I used to have a friend but the rope broke and he got away.
An apple a day keeps a doctor away, my father is a doctor, so no apples for me.
Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.