Short Funny Quotes - Page 7
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Often when I fall, I don’t wake up. I lie there and enjoy my nap.
Follow your dreams…except for that one where you’re naked at work.
If you are bad. Then I am your dad.
You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.
As an explosive tester I love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought it was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.
Is your refrigerator running? Well if so you better go catch it.
There’s a price you pay for chewing your mouth so fast, you tongue is at risk!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.
First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?
There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.
A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.
Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”
When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.
Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!
We can’t stop here, this is bat country!
– Hunter S. Thompson
Friends are like potatoes, when you eat them they die.
Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif. freeway
Could you drive any better
If that phone
Was up your a**!!!
I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do.
Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.
Taken is the adult version of finding nemo. :p
I just saw this wicked cool stunt on TV involving fire and explosives but of course the announcer said “Do not try this at home!”. Do you care if I come over for a while?