Short Funny Quotes - Page 7


I’ll be on you faster than a hobo on a ham sandwich.

Submitted by: athena lol

When ever you can afford to get married. Buy yourself a sports car.

Submitted by: Jet set

Remember: you were once the strongest sperm of your dad. =)

Submitted by: alex elardo

Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Submitted by: Ronak Mota

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.

Submitted by: Ronak

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Submitted by: amanda

Often when I fall, I don’t wake up. I lie there and enjoy my nap.

Submitted by: Tiela Selepe

Follow your dreams…except for that one where you’re naked at work.

Submitted by: red27y

If you are bad. Then I am your dad.

Submitted by: dhwani pandit

You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.

Submitted by: Derick makuu

As an explosive tester I love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought it was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.

Submitted by: zen master

Is your refrigerator running? Well if so you better go catch it.

Submitted by: Bailey

There’s a price you pay for chewing your mouth so fast, you tongue is at risk!

Submitted by: Dani

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

Submitted by: malcolm burns

Employee; Can I have a few days off?
Boss: Why?
Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns.
Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.

Submitted by: Wayne

First grader: Teacher! I need to pee!
Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first.
Johnny: Does that help?

Submitted by: Dennis Mez

There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.”
I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King

A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.

Submitted by: John Alejandro King

Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing?”

Submitted by: Rachele

When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.

Submitted by: Emmy

Amamda: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler today.
Karmenia: So?
Amanda: He said, “There is an idiot at the end of this ruler”
Karmenia: Ohhhhh he called you an idiot??
Amanda: No I got detention for asking which end he was talking about.
Karnebua: That’s ma girl!

Submitted by: iluvwords...

We can’t stop here, this is bat country!
– Hunter S. Thompson

Submitted by: jlh hilbert

Friends are like potatoes, when you eat them they die.

Submitted by: Brooke

Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif. freeway
Could you drive any better
If that phone
Was up your a**!!!

Submitted by: mike portugal

I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do.

Submitted by: STACY

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